CRONES: SMALL MOUNDS (II)
___________________________at McDonald's, a roundtable is shaping. Kim sits at the kiddie table rubbing knees with the Chinese President who is at the adult McDonald's table with the serious fern in...
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at the MSNBC Studios next door:Brian Williams: my Friday nights are forever ruined. my eyes are so dry people think i wear contacts which i don't. when will this teleprompter nightmare end? the point...
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THE HUMAN BOLT CUTTERS
learned:* teacher: those saggy baggy ridiculous-looking overalls are against school-policy dress-code. detention during finals. expelled!girl: but this is literally a Kansas farm school!* girl: i'm one...
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TMIT: VOICES CARRY
i had a blast at the retirement home this weekend! i love the grandmas! i'm a grandma-lover!1. if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, and your future, what would you want...
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CRONES: GERIATRIC GODDESS
at the Parade Bernie Sanders combs his hair, takes a breath, and prepares to bumrush the stage. security stops him.Emma Gonzalez: sorry man, no adults allowed. this is of the kids, for the kids, and...
View ArticleCRONES: GERIATRIC GODDESS (II)
______________________________at Mara Lake Bump is fitting himself inside a wave of the indoor pool strewn with graystone gargoyles with their heads sawed off. he spots Taylor Swift emerging from the...
View ArticleCRONES: GERIATRIC GODDESS (III)
---------------------------------------------------a gold train pulls up to the station at Halx. by the Secret Pink lake of fire that's a volcanic pool of one of the small mounds encrusting the...
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IT AND STRANGER THINGS USE THE SAME KIDS
learned:* narrated by that grumpipuss who does A Christmas Story and just wanted a damn leg for Christmas!* Tucci gang Tucci gang Tucci Tucci gang Tucci gang gang* Tucci teacher: eyes up here, look at...
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TMIT: LAST NIGHT'S SEX WAS HOTTER THAN A 16 BEATING A 1
learned:1. would you rather be the smartest or hottest man/woman in the room? you need to be smart in order to determine who is the hottest. you need a measure stick with a hook to hook away the...
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LARS VON TRIER DESIGNS THE BEST GOLFCOURSES
learned:* it's true. that golf course in Melancholia remains the most mysterious and entrancing plot of land in cinema history. imagine using your putter to bomb a ball 300 feet and then when you go to...
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TMIT: THE MOST CONSEQUENTIAL GOLF EVENT OF OUR TIME
i mean it was the worst of all possible worlds. apologies to all the Candide candy i ate this weekend. i will never like Jordan, his immense talent seems to be in inverse proportion to his electricity....
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PASSING SHOT: IT HAPPENED ONE NIGHT ON TWITTER
"have you tried the new thing?"Chrissie Evert was a woman who knew she packed. and not just her clothes to galavant around the world spreading her tennis knowledge on the benighted. which was mostly...
View ArticlePASSING SHOT: IT HAPPENED ONE NIGHT ON TWITTER (II)
Chrissie cups his face with her hand. Roger kisses that hand and embraces her the length of her arm, undoing her pillowy crease.Roger: Mirka doesn't know. she was just about to read your tweet when i...
View ArticlePASSING SHOT: IT HAPPENED ONE NIGHT ON TWITTER (III)
a strange man with long hair, uncouth beard, and willie mustache. unrecognizable. it's Boehner. he wears his polkadot bandana under his jeans shorts as a belt. he has Paul Ryan with him. they...
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KELSEY DON'T NEED NO GRAMMER
learned:* i want my writing to be leveled up so high that the Cartoon Network show Level Up will be allowed to continue to some sort of natural conclusion. at least to run out that season. i mean they...
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TMIT: THOU SHALT NUDE
1. write your 3 sexual commandments and share them here at Tmi Tuesday:* thou shalt not know a person until thou biblically knows a person* the Parting of the Red Sea was actually the first documented...
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PASSING SHOT: TOKYO KNOCKS THRICE
Chrissie's eyes glaze over themselves. she licks her lips at this unexpected fortune.Chrissie: what's going on here? why is it that you two are fused at the hip? like you can't discuss one without the...
View ArticlePASSING SHOT: TOKYO KNOCKS THRICE (II)
Gladyce and Doryce are lost running around the city which refers to walking. but they are having a gay old time cos they're together lost.Gladyce: penaten.Doryce: i know, right? terrible name for a...
View ArticlePASSING SHOT: TOKYO KNOCKS THRICE (III)
at the Summit President Bump is at Kim's red snow-covered Palace. Kim is not there cos he wasn't invited.Bump: well the official White House line is his invitation got lost in the mail.what surrounds...
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SCHOOL
learned:* my fish dream involves the Gorton's Fisherman in nothing BUT his yellow rain slicker and slick tugboat hat. 87% of women achieve orgasm whilst fantasizing about Gorton. i can totally see...
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