PROPER PAT: THE OTHER BEAVER

and so, Pat spends hellish years at a British boarding school. he barely survives.

Pat: now that i'm a teenager, a youth as they call it over here, i don't have enough energy to be rebellious!

the good news is he develops a perfect English accent.

in the waning days of his primary-schooling, Pat is feeling particularly hungry, particularly peckish. so he hops down to the mess hall but he's in a mood and they're not serving what he's craving:

Pat: *holds out his beige bowl* excuse me, sir, may i have another?

headmaster: *fixing his spyglass* you may certainly NOT, young man!!!

Pat flips the tray and destroys the mess hall.

Pat: MAN WHAT YOU PLAYIN'! YOU SERVE CRANBERRY SAUCE ON THANKSGIVING DAY???! CRANBERRY SAUCE???! EVERYONE HATES CRANBERRY SAUCE!!!!!!

the next morning Pat has calmed down some and washes the walls with his tongue and water from the Fountain.

Pat: sorry, man, mate, what's on tap for lunch today? for tea?

headmaster: Thousand Island dressing.

Pat: MAN YOU PLAYING A JOKE ON ME, MISTER???! when i smell the pique smell of Thousand Island dressing i think of three things: Big Macs, In N Out Burger, and wanting to travel to a thousand islands, to ALL the islands. more than anything else in the world i want to travel the world...

Codrus is in the woods by the English countryside and gets in a fight with the Emerging Elf in the tree trunk:

Emerging Elf: why aren't you moving? is it cos you're God?

Codrus: hurry up! i can't punch you till you emerge!

Dirg: so i went and knocked on the door of Chesley Bonestell, like i did with Stan Lee. he lives right here in Obec. all i saw were stalls of brown cows with astronaut helmets on, no airports. turns out he died. sucks. he's bones now. bones buried on Mars. actually it was HE who was the first person on Mars...

Dirg: what's with the two men who look like Waldo without the hat in bed together whenever i search on Google for "sex". what's with the generic Bond villainess giant and nude and woman by a shoreline with the seawaves forming a crashing-down line opposite her everytime i look up "nude". hey Takahashi for your birthday i got you the Super Mario Cake from Stone Cold Steve Austin Creamery!

Takahashi: it's no Winchester pie but it'll do

Doryce: did somebody say birthday batter?!

the entire group and squad are at Macy's and the larger mall doing their Christmas and holiday shopping:

Takahashi doesn't buy socks made in Honduras, instead he gives to a Honduran charity.

Dirg: tape? scotch tape on "classy" Polo shirts?...

Gladyce buys panties which are too small for her vagina. she doesn't say a word to Doryce, she keeps mum. she simply places them in the cupboard next to the saucers and never wears them again...uses them as dishrags...

Dirg: Taka, hint hint, i need boxer shorts, buddy. i balled up all the tape into one sticky ball and threw it in the trash. it landed and stuck to the crotch of my torn-to-shreds boxer shorts i had discarded in the trash earlier...my boxer shorts are my cum-collectors...the symbolism was deafening...

Laertus: i'm skinny but i have a fat ass. my bottom butt is a wide-load, a truck, a carriage, a Kylo Ren.

Eye Luggage: you're okay, dear, you're fine.

Dirg: with the amount of tiny rapiers pierced through this shirt, we could fence a gentleman's duel...

Dirg: from now on, i'm only gonna wear plain white T-shirts.........hey Takahashi, for Christmas i got you a big bag of Cheetos Snowflakes. what? it has a to-from label emblazoned on the corner of the bag there...

Laertus: is it safe to come out again?

Dirg: Mary Elizabeth McGlynn's profile pic for Instagram should have been a pic of Major Motoko...

Dirg: hey man, don't mess with my Hallmark Christmas movies...

Gladyce to Doryce, now bacl at The Treehouse:

Gladyce: dear avoid getting out of the shower when you see hair strands stuck to the tile, simply pick up the hair, make a wish, and blow them away......over the bubbly mottled shower railing...

Gladyce at The Store: it's too hard for me to eat these The Store sandwiches cos they're so big, too stacked, too tall it unhinges my jaw to eat them...

Michael Weiss with a spyglass: you want to get women to notice you on Instagram? call them "bud"...

Eye: Trent Reznor, W.H. Auden. dismantle the stars from the sky......not saying they're sleeping together but, y'know...

Tyzik: PEPSI! all you did for your Christmas commercial was photoshop Christmas lights in the background of your regular commercial?!!!!!...

Rubikon,n teaching: the Mangrove Nine. if only Denny's and IHOP were switched in Obec.........I HATE COUNTRY ROADS!!!...

the schoolchildren have no idea what he's talking about, which the headmaster takes as a sign that he's a good teacher...

Dirg: i want Zombie Tramp to join the Orchid Girls...

Polished Chaos joins the Orchid Girls...first time didn't take...

at The Weather Channel:

Reynolds Wolf: hello all, howdy. everyone rubbing their bellies after that post-Thanksgiving binge? even the women? if it's the women it means something different, hehe...just kidding. i'm here to catch all your drippings just call me Reynolds Wrap Wolf...

Dirg: remember, all trolls are just trying to give it to the top. knock the elite down a  few pegs. keep those in power in check...

Mardith: if you really wanted to be with me, you would have given me the perfect gift.

Dirg: wha? i don't get it. i'm the man, i give you sex, what more do you want?

Mardith: WE'VE NEVER HAD SEX! partly because i need to be comfortable. a girl needs to be comfortable, you know? 

Dirg: i give up.

Mardith: Moon Pod Beanbag...

Dirg: see? you gotta admit, Hllbilly Elegy is kinda cool...

Bush, re-formed and on stage:

Gavin Rossdale: *singing* we live in a wheel where everyone steals...

Gavin: ...not saying i stole from Cobain, just saying...

Caitlin Moran proudly flaunts her Cruella de Vil hair as she entrances the Orchid Girls HQ in the oak-tree-knot who all the Girls stand at attention. following her is Rosie Stephenson-Goodknight who takes charge of the Orchid Girls wikipedia and has a cup of tea at night by the shadowy fireplace...

Mardith: someday somebody gonna catch your vibe and love all over it like a slobber dog. it won't be soon but you gotta be patient like Captain America...

Wittyidiot and Alison Sieke get married...

Oegod Girls, now  massive comnglomeratin coproation, buys upo and swalows cherryPicks...

CitardL do you know wjat it;s like statrong at the TYhankasogovong meat on the atble for a fucking houir awaogtong for everyone to arrive!!!!!?...

Dtpehan A SnithL why is it obly telceration in the NFL? and trickery everywhere eklse? but why is is not called the Cal Sxe tho?...

Cara Sata maroa re-fprms Take art Live. on her forts shpow back:

CSM: i was AOC forst. i dtae Bill mahr. ler;s kkst say halle Berry is better in bed than Bill...

Doryce to Galdyce: you don;t need the Vanwuoshm dea,r you just need to shower...

daviel Popper: no, onlt I can com,minocate woth Groot,,,

Mrsoth: etchuo used to be my color, purple...

Boc; i watered a liuttle too far akoft of the road abd wetetd the ghihway, vaised an 8=car pileup. i watre at a 45-degree angle tp gte thr ainbowm that;s the obly good watering. ulm so tlal i buned and knocked my eha don the trees, my ebanie gekk of  my ehad ono a puddle. you forget to water the trees, you spend s much time on the alwn court, not until the teres are drupping si it a gppd wareong...

Bc: when i wert the alnd, the bords land on it and chirp, spewaong theor see sbtrtwoxt theor soindlt legs onto the damp soil, eventiually geowing trees...'

Pat: hi evertbody, just got bacl from doing myu omeworl. y teacher wants us to imgone what Emmett Tikll;s voice soudned like and write an epic heroic poem about Emmett and ths terngth in hi ocie. i have a congefsson to make:m i never hd what ot took ti join  nay of Pienceton;s elite eatong clubsm si lm fillking the void wach week seving you inoduw ood,,,her;s the ceebu jen...

Dprg: veregtotherapy? the State CANNOT make me eat myu evegtables...

travhe;l Dlawson: speaking of cole slaw, make fun of ,my name if you wish, but i;lm gonna be the forst true genetic out-onthe-open bisexual being the bachelor on The Bachelior... 

Laertus; Dirg, doorDash, hepr;e idnependent wom,en...

Madme Pons: *hogging Mrdoth* why dint; yu film a video and post ot to your Instagram tekling your follwoest you love them. a person who tells tgeir follwoest tjey love them is neat.

MrdothL: *wiping away teras* thanks, sis.

REue lugageL what wer we tla,ing about again?

Tyzik: why didn;t Borger King make Jugeha dtheor amscot?...

RueL The beaver and go,,,

mel Gjnsonl not abiut my prblems...my apprant problems communication,,,wothout using my fosts...and tlaking to my Pr guy i mena my huidance cousnelor...

Snton Yelchin:L i myself get condused, sometime si think ilm Emile Hirsch...

Jillian Ckare sweeps Snton ytelchin off his feet, she whsls him away to an sialnd woth ni steep hill inclines, no cars kust bkats, she prooses marriage to him, and the two get hotched in a pam[tree hammock...

Fprg: orst NJodie Fuster film that dodn;t do well...jus sayin...

LaeryiusL okay i mena the thing that surpised me the most ere is jeggofer Beep-Beep Lawrcne! i had NO idea she was in thios! thos wa that epriod when she wasn;t quite A-list yet so she;s slunnin gere...

FprgL wowzers. i mena you foegt kust how fucking hot younf jennfoer was. this was the perios whn you neded to nab her, snatch her up, vps now she;s alls easoend and cultured cougar and tryna get with Ti othee Chalamet...

CorgL look, i know this is coming from me, bot i donlt thinm jeneofer;s a paruuclar grat actress she;s, kust,ms ervcieable ehr,e you know?...

Laertis: wosh they would ahve dlved more into jennfoer;s bother;s OD. HIS life story would have eben ineterstong. 

RyeL i;m giessing he couldntl take having Kbbfoer Kerrence for a sister, i mena how could you compete wth feninine eorfection> sdo he hiffe done too many taggingpgraffotocan fumes in the garage...

kaerys; kudos to the cat for atcually mai g this serios, i mena this ralely could ahve ebenm a disgtate if they couldnlt stop cakci g up and thos became Svemue Q. i wnat to see the blooepr eel of this film! oyu know esam eDtreet's got some great blooper reels begind the scenes!...

Eye i would have lost it when Snton clals the beaver ouopet a chipmiunk...

Slvin: i;m still stuck in S,most fanpus!!! HELP!!!...

Laertis: thought the voice f the puept was Gary OLdman at forst...

Eyel you;re just not sued to ehartong Mel's actiual Sistralian voice, dear...

Dprg: i;m not a urry bit dd anyon want to fuck the puppet?

Dorg: i mena you gotta dmit, it was disappointing when there wasnlt a sex scene woth the pupet, Jennfoer wrence, and Jodie Fister...

Rye: well there kinda was. Jodie and Mel in theor marriage bed...he had the pupept on  hos ahnd...for Jodie that must have been one unexpectedly DELIGHTFUL anal fisting!...

Drg: hey Pat, did you ever cheat on tour way up to Pornceton? ut the naswrtrs to some hard hogh-school test in order to pass?

Pat: well yeah sire, that;s how i emt my Rsusioan gorlfiend...

Doeg: this was gudned by our enemy...

RyeL oh hey it;s the PILF! the LOreosdent of the unietd Dtates! the onlt female one there ever was! on 24!

Dprg: woth the ebaotifi porn-star name: Cherru Jones.

Talahahi: Cheryr Ones and Mary McDonnell, these, my frien, are REAL women.

Euel the perfect segoe to discuss...

Laertyus: yep, lets just ut all out cards on the able now. depsite ir igereemces in thsi cuntry, we all come toegtehre and agree on one thignL Holand Taylir and arah oayuklson is the HOTTET cuple of all time!!!...

DorgL ilm imagining that sex now...

RyeL that shwoer sceme was rathr blase abiut the subkect of cuicide, like chanhging the channel. a show Mat ,mkauet is on...

DprgL yeah wtahciong this mafe me MRE deperssed. i ahd to take a poill to get through it...

car fmailiars: it;s trie it;s trie, Mozart used to yelp like one of us, he meowled and woke up the whole conservatry but it wa sonlt becuase he wanslt feed nough of his mother;s milm s a child...

Dog: sucjling. they never showed the osychoatrost, that;s how you knw the plan is whack, take it from me. that small child actor is gonna be rtaimatozed form thsi expeince. is it tagging if it;s therapy? 

Laertus: Sbton wa slooking ta a mao the way enile didn;t fo in Into The eild...

DigL the Beaver toy rionovlaly ended up horting Mel cos it sunlimkinally tauhg thim hpow to iuse a saw...

Fpeg it sild have gone down like this:

Duieg: wait, they went to CANNES to promote this film?!!!! really?! g;nioght, folks...

at the Fountian school:

a bautoful myueripus woman in a fasicnator with feraher, purple parasol, and hoop skirt ver a long Sunday-sundae turtelneck dress inches towards the school, she drops her parasol an duses the tip to unlock the key to the door to the school...

Gakicabt: PATRICK! YOU GET DOWN HERE ROGHT NOW! DOWN UNDER MY SKITY!!!

Pat, tngie hanging from dry-heat work weeks, lits hos eyes and turns hos tongue;s attenton to alpping up his recise from his savioress.

Falivant i;m sorry for any toruble he caused, Headmaster, you cna be asusred he will get a stern tlaking-to when hos father comes hoem after bitn  a pac of cogaretetes from the stre and neevr coming abckl...

outsode:

Pat: pjw! thanks for sabving me. i swar if i wasjed one more wall...they were brock walalsm too...

galivant; don;t know how kuch longer yhos charade can last but...anyway, go bacl udner my skitt and see what you see.

Pat: wow! iy;s a whole other wprld udner ehre! 

Pat reaches insode the avgina woth his fost......and oulls out a......beaver oupept...

Galivant: how was the film doscusisoon today?

Pat: fun s always...