PhD PAT: FOR SOPHIE

Bono: i'm a star but i'll never be the stars. i'll never be as great as one-name SOPHIE. cos she was capitalized.

Pat: in this impossible life the only thing that will save us is love. broken love. love between two broken people.

Judge Judy: or three...

Pat: i need to do that thing where i crash a vase against a baker's kiln. and put the pieces back together as a jigsaw for heart therapy.

Takahashi: yeah but you need a Japanese vase...

Michael McKean: i did that Cigarette-Smoking Man bit so well on SNLThe X-Files phoned me and asked me to come on their show for real!

Joe Piscopo: Fair Dinkum, now that's a man's sport...

Fox Mulder: Joe Piscopo is still alive?

Sandra Fluke: is Rush Limbaugh dead yet?

Death: ditto

Marilyn Manson: i respect Ozzy Osbourne, he was me before me...

Courtside Karen: okay so i had a few. i drank so much before i knew it i went from LeBron to Australia. i have no idea how i walked on the ocean. ironically i fly the Spain flag...

Nadal: your middle finger cursed me...

Takahashi drives a berlin carriage across the ocean and it turns into a Berlina sedan.

Laertus: see Dirg? the Nazis will never win.

Leslie Sbrocco: French 75...

Eye Luggage: ma'am i love you but i can't endorse war...

Madame Pons: even though this is a great date drink...

Dirg: Leslie, your tits are like howitzers...

Kornheiser: ...

Wilbon: take that porkpie hat off! who do you think you are Tone, Vince Lombardi?

Kornheiser: just an old-timey newspaper man named Tony...i want my own CGI...

Charles Rocket: come on you can't deny. America wanted more Rocket Report.

Kate Courtney: i majored in mountainbiking. without me there would be no Logger Mud Mountain Haulers...

Bruce Springsteen: so one measly DWI is gonna prevent the United States of America from coming together...

Tina Craig: enough is enough!!! i know Daniel Dae Kim. and he knows me don't tell his wife. we rich but we ain't crazy. i have the power to stop the Lost reboot, Joss Whedon!

Joss Whedon: this is why i created the Whedonverse, it's a nifty little pocket universe for me to slip inside of and hide when the heat on me gets too hot, i can lay low in there for a while...

WandaVision: JOSS WHEDON COPIED US!!! Disney is suing your ass! we just got that now: Wanda + Vision = wandavision...

Buffy: time to break out my stake out. time to get my stake back out again. wow, this thing is dirty and dull-edged...

Pence to LeVar Burton: look, after my life flashed before my eyes, i want to change. i want my green leaf to turn brown. i'll fund your ReadingRainbow reboot but it must be renamed Bleeding Rainbow...

Joe Piscopo: what is it with people who were on SNL thinking they are now qualified to run for public office?...

Gary Kroeger: ...

Gary Kroeger: SNL was better when they had jugglers...

crones: this is why we never became nuns, we were already taking correspondence courses before covid...

Christine Ebersole: i had it rough. nobody believed me when i said MY Ebersole had an extra e, no nepotism involved. i wish they went back to having 2 skits connected to each other, an Act I and an Act II of a play...

Brian Doyle-Murray: i am NOT Ed Asner. the linoleum knife is not meant to be Soviet...

Yoko Ono: SNL was better when they had Andy Warhol...

John Patrick Shanley: i should have written SNL skits back in the day, i'm good at writing plays...

Stanley Tucci: not Shanley Tucci. i created a cocktail that broke the internet. it also broke my hair...

Dirg: negroni, not racist...

Martin Yan: gave you a perm...men can get perms, not a gay thing...

Katie Thurston: i'm not thirsty. i don't hide behind my family's old money buried on Gilligan's Island...

Matt James: the fuck-a-ghost thing?

Katie: meant nothing by it. i;m a hippie chick, i'm cool. sorry if i still use a beeper, not many calls in the woods...

the crones befriend Albertus Seba and his cabinet of curiosities. 

crones: well actually we befriended the talking lizard, Kevin "Kline" Lizard...a kind lizard...

Albertus Seba: not the guy from Harry Potter, i deal in REAL dragons...

Johnny Depp: whaddaya say, Madonna. i don't have anything else going on, nothing going for me.

Madonna: you got a thing for blondes, huh

Dirg: yeah but you guys have a twitter mob...

Gina Carano: Norman Jewison, he was my best friend, he was a fine bounty hunter...

Martin Yan: i'm not afraid of dying. no but i'm the only human on planet earth who ACTUALLY means that...

Jamie Raskin: don't make fun of my hair i was a monk before...

Madame Pons: one of my girls gets way too many food deliveries to her house, that's dangerous for a single girl...

Doryce: the bathroom after Mardith showers, how to clear all that steam, either turn up the heat in the Treehouse...

Gladyce: ...or the cold. open a window in the Treehouse and let the rain-cold air in to evaporate the fog. how magical!

Dirg: i look at Mardith's mirror to tell...

cat familiars: the Treehouse was better when the heat was a fire...

Lauren Holt: SNL's Weekend Update is just (jost) a space for the cast members to air out their grievances about their love lives and dating lives...

Jodie Whittaker: let me be on the SNL cast, you've done this before...

Doryce, staring at her cereal: my FOOD is now caffeine!!!

Kenyatta: Wikipedia is creepy, take it from me. our editors are n ice but they get access to a person's life and get to make judgments in secret over this soul and this life in the backpages...

Atalan: just woke up, what'd i miss?... 

Cotard: still doing PR for Aquaman i see

Eye Luggage: that Super Bowl commercial just reinforces the fact for all time that Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton WILL ALWAYS BE WEIRD.

Michael Weiss on a party boat: Instagram, it's just weird. i mean you see people's private uncensored unfettered unprocessed rantings they wouldn't show their mother...

Gladyce: is it good luck or bad luck to let in a butterfly?

Teen Titans Go: yep, we copied the Titan move in our Raven Sinister-16 birthday-episode. our 2 studios are right next door to each other...

Madame Pons: Zuru Smashers, Dino Ice Age Surprise, also known as our line of LUSH bath bombs for kids...

Dirg: Folkmoot, North Carolina was medieval first...

Roger Federer: everything's a sport, tennis and impeachment...

Dan Levy: unlike the former President, i left a note...

Julie Oliver Gentry: i was America's first country-bumpkin sweetheart...

Dirg: the only article AV Club will let me write is where are all the video-game romantic rejections?...

Dennis: we at the AV Club hereby christen you an expert...

Kathryn Newton at Pebble Beach: if the other timeline held---the Notre Dame-Crespi one not the Notre Dame-Palma one---i would be married to Pat right now...

Willy: my phone's been ringing off the hook from George RR Martin to do an Attack on Titan live-action...

Rege-Jean Page: book it, i'm gonna be the next Samuel L Jackson...

Doryce: i can't hear!!!'

Gladyce: that's why i chew gum.

Dirg: Valsalva?

Mardith: not vulva.

Madame Pons: come on down to LUSH we specialize in ear candles!!!

Dirg: ear candling only works if you're naked...

Bruce Chandling: i wish mu name was Candless on this Valentine's Day...

Cecily Strong: i use animals on SNL, too, dogs, not monkeys...

Sndtre DhassiL i live, i love immortally. i a,m the reonacarnation of Marco Pantani...

Glornce Guven; i;  tryong to brog yellow back. yes i like the .70s. bo ilm not Ke$ha... 

Cat fmalarsL we don;t wnat ksises, we want water!!!

Rye LiggaeL itls subtle, bit notice ho tjetrls a male inetveower fpr the fenae Chipolte cooks foe the comemriclas bot no eh male ones...

cecily Dtrong: e had ot own Teen-Titans-Go elbow-cum sketch...

Madme Pons: sprry bit all this self[love shot is arbage. it;s HSRD tpo ne alone. 

Mrdpoth  precah sister. be the cherry on top n ot rhe cale, babes.

Bubblebalbebr: we do op-eds.........fr some reaspn......op-eds no one erads...

Dorg: i;m worrid, everyonme on Insatgram is recnizing Chinese New Year as the REAL New Year around thw orld...

Mocharl ersos in a white fencer;s amsk: Onstagram is like the Fore Force Colelctive...

mochael Ersos cartuong a ballpeen mallet hammer: wjat ios gfacebook? ghey treat ius lime nonkets alwats yo for the next game to sllbe on gte mexy st, the nexy prompt to respond to like a salobatong pooch. they;re tryong to gte us all in lationships...

Susan Saint Jame: i met y uisband on SNL. Ebetsol, no e. he was a dock in 2002 but e reconcild alter that summer. iu woudl ahvebeen a ba dloom of the docrce fonalzoews the same year as rh palne accisent...

DprgL moncia McNutt makes me nut.........het u;d koin  the Slphabet mafia, that;s a cool name......when a Chrostoan hiphop star lppo s;ike Vhester bennington...

Riegr FdereL maybe i shiuld try zoloft...w dont; have Swiss pir so i srick my junk on an Americna pie...

Juoth liebvrL w iw ent on a doet from vurgers...

Jullian Cakjrel i knpw i;s ahrd, i lnpw it;s a sacrfocem bot you gott alay ff the fast food till 15-bukcs-an-hour. 

MrdthL yoj taeac me so kuch each day...

Tyzil: The Tom & Jerry Movie, the closese thing we;re ever gonan get t Whpo frwmd Riegr Rabbot II...

Brad GilebrtL but......Pegula Hoop...Jessie's Girl...these were GOOD!...

Michel eyss using the iapd from 2001: a Space Odyssey: i have thos fetsoh where i like to conenct peol ethrough nstagram. i tyr to maycn yp disparet ranodm com;eegtly dogferent people woth Isntagram tos ee f i cna soark a strnage foendship...

Raf Simons: the .90s ear n DFrigs mad em NOT like Morrissey...

Dorgl only Cthulhu can save Chrostmas now!

Cceuly Dyronh it;s imposohle to HASTE a felow SNL avstmemenr, yu have to hug this perosn at the Goodnights!!! yoi cnalt gfale that hug!!!

Pricness Latifa: o otta get the hell outta ehre!!! i ned to ebcome The Equalizer...

Mary Ronisnl jhow ware you enhpting your cold cuts,m dear?...

Porncess Latifa: i had to become a Jedo to have a baby!!!

Fjokoiv; fall> The Fall is what makes my career so snalebotten, me mpre than all humans sicne the Graden of Eden. with me it was form jump, i was alwyas lking at Nadan;s and Riger;s butts. is it Fall in aistralia now> torn? yea like that got single from one of your precious Sisyralian siao=opera dvas, you and yoiur country;s raven-haored sheilas...

Ellen Kiushner:L i wfite Bear Grylls;s life story...

MarothL let;s see who loves me...

kavita Oatek: i;m hot,  shjdp be on G.L.O.W....

Mochael wriss wearna bog pink bunny suity: Instagram os a sfa epaxe fr ekp,e t show theor deranged side...

te Crus i kos want to eb lied,...tatkls whu i like Praodent Bump...

Hopr Poscopos: olay so maybe ilm cirsed. i emntkion jessica DSavotch in the skoh ad she drowns. bot i  foaness tjay was Andy rooney...

Roth Moral i;m the rincarnaton of Rlvora...

celeste Mountjoy: spmtomes oyu feel like a nur...

Devoraj Dllom: ipm faor, a faor critic. oi dont; ahve to like me but donlt festrpt me on Wikiupdia kyst because tu cvan;t handle me govong you a abd review. stp sending me ahorpay ion the amil i;ll gobe yo a art ntoty id you do...

Doprgl that;s wosre than an STD

Kimberly Goss: goes sy ehtncooty. see> it doesnlt matter. the onl thong that mateter sis we neevr got dicotrced, it;s ahrder tp sogn thsoe apwea rhn peole think.

Alexi Laiho: jardet o elt go...

Eye Lugage: what were we talking about agaon?

Dorg" smug smog. that gored killer was woo whacl to whack.

Harry dnerosnL that brofge up ther looks fmailiar. i;ve flipped crads unmder that same moon, done card streets by a trashcan foreplace outside in th snow, but that wa balc when SNl was good...

Jean=Paul Sartre: ther were tryong to turn me into Oson Wekles! epsically wth snowpeas gund onlt in france!

Eye: Moonsryuck and go...

Dorg: i didn;lt stike her...

Spalding Gray: now you see how the other half lives. now you see me from the other side,. rmrmber> this was the film i was boewomg in  the theatre for my monloge. i look like Dhanely, ilm betetr-lloking than Shanley...

John Patricl Dhanley: everyone says i look like a prist...

Codrus and CotardL you di! yourle hot!

Dorg: New Yprk Voy SHAIN!!!???

Laertus:L this script is a slow burn, at fosrt i saw it as orfinary, but the more it sat woth me afyer pt ended and i pondered the moon in the nigh sky as i thoguth anout it, the more it syayed woth me. the epfr sfall into place, they;re clever, the conenctions and clalbvacls, it all makes snese. good job, Dhanley.

Mrs RtoperL godo job, Dtabnley.

Eye Luggaeg we can all agree that this film wouldnlt be THIS film wothout Vher;s sterling eonce,. she lifts thos scipt to the moon! she is just in control of all ehr pwers ehre. she is young, light, and charismatoc!

LaretusL she needed the WAT PHE WAY, smrhtiong flufgy and funny after the dour rtagedy of Mask...

Forgl poor Kim Nivak...

MarfthL i love Kim Nvakls saltmandala paintings...

Martin Yan i liked Cher;s haor betetr permed...she looks betetr bald...

Takahashi: memebr, thos is about am Itralian fmaily, but all Itlaion fmailies rpeersrent EVERU familt  espeically jaanese fmalies...

Robkonl and blakc fmailies, ironially. in the rush i forgot that Rush met an operatic end. he died in that balcony in the Capitol. i udnerstpd everything they were ayong in that opera, Italian opera coems from tap...

Dorgl it;s all Latin to me...

LaertusL it;s tricly, see. Ni Cage seems like a mook woth no educaiton  who cna only make pizza in a doughty-stone kilm but we;s got feelings, the deep feelings of a Dhalespeaream schiolar, a mean-mugged monologuist, and he LOVES pera! i mena what man you know thes days who lieks opera?

Bugs Bunny: Bugs Beta.

Rye: okay i know it;s cheatong and i know it;s brothers byt i odn;lt blame Vher onc ebot. Nic Cage is looking nice an cvrisp and young and HOT in that wgite T-short! those msuckles ant pepeproni!

DorgL and im suddenly hungry for pizza.........the song not Nic...

Cher: I;M FREEZING TO DEATH!!! AND I;M NOT IN TEXAS!!!

EyeL if ainetd whenm Noc says GET IN MY BED!!!

Pat: it's the Phoenix atttoo on his back!!!

Dalkding Gray: Nic;s roght when he says the only love htta matetrs in this world is broken lobe...i know that brodge...

Tony Scott: me, too...

Eye: i men Cher has a chouce betwene Nic Cage and purid danny Auello Dnn Siello makes my bagina a desert, he;s less sexy than Gikebrt Gottfied.

Giolebrt Gittfoed i shiudla been in Foed Green to,antos...

Dbnyu Diello: hey! gooblygaloosh! keep talking msack about me and i;ll send the feds to whacl you. i dont; erspect ama  whoc an;t control his woman.

Eye: why is it old Jon Mabhoney couldn;t keep his young college freshman-freshfaced female girl-babe students? they eevr became hos gofends apr wves after theor flings? the ontl thing he cot flung was water in hos fce!!!

Pat: because he wasnt a Princeton professor. he was an NYU prpfesspr. of hostoet, hos hostry, he;s hpstry. it would ahv worled if he had been a Dartnuth proefssor...

Eye: i would punch you right in the kisser, Danny Siello! i';d tale all the truffle aioli fpr myself! but you had to where that ash cross on yur forehead TODAT of all days!!! tjat;s your shoeld, you;re giding behond rleigion!!!

SAota Gillette: i got this ater ding Season 6 of SNL...sfter SNL promised me they were gonna do a sitcom based on Bob & Carol & ted & alice...i dodn;t have to shave or nuttin'!...

vroensL w eplayed the art of Gina DeAngeles...

Dorg: was that the old biddy woth the huge jugs?

Krmaer: i played Cher;s father. not all italians are arcost towards blacks...

Laerys; pelae, Cher,a s a bookkepepr save the pusede bidgea bookstores!

Dorg got hot by a bosy< sure. it;s the sm estory as Alcie from tthe Foenr...

Pat:L dting mothers aren;lt funnt, they're ut onl conenciton to this wotrld.

Oltmpia fkikakis: your;e getotng amrroed. do you lvoe him> no> good!

Dprg: the weord wodoen hand thi. it hosy dons; fot wpth the erst fo the sript. it's suppsoed top be fimnmy but o find it sad. like they were goin for somrhign futurostocv woth the hand but Ghsot In  The hell and The Pano were still in theor infancy...

cjer: hi, guys. the famous slap sceme. the script called for ONE skap but i slapped hom twoce, that wa smy nthesot imptob. and what won me the Oscar. i kept seeing Donn Bono;s face in Nic cage;s face...

vat fmakilaurs: see thsoe fogs! how messy how uncouth! how untrained, running ariund the linllrim halls of the house wohtout a leash, barking at the moon like they canproduce music, neadnerthal music of balrs! we song for cathcy cat jongles. wee cats have a refned sense of youselfves in the universe, we see the monnas  asource of milk...

Cotard: lone wolves are sexy.

Neil degRsse TysonL ah yes, the moon that gets broghter the more you look at it. cna;t see the pigeons anymore. ity;s not cos your love is growing broghter, it;s the iobserver efefct. the thing is, that moon is gurtling toward Earth at a greta breakneck speed and will cause a supernova wothin seconds...

Cotard: i played the priest in the confesisonal booth! see how hp i am! i was dronking during that scene...

Ckidrrus: sacrmentla wine so it was okay

Ctard:L vno, odka. model spcial.

Rudy G: La Boheme is about a baseball player who jins the Mets...

Eye; you wouldn;t know the forts thing about being a bohemian!!! stip being a rapper!

Cher: that opera wa sbreat, jist ike a soap oparea. i stepepd on Roves Cuiomo;s ehad in the balcony...

MarpdthL i would ahve liked to jave seen olympia Dukakis fuck Koh Mahony, i think thst would have been sute. she could have done the Otlaian manuever on hum, cumming as he fretreates...

Fprg i tta like an ice=cream swilrie?

Laeryius: the soul of this film:

Doeg: they fear detah, Deat the Fanily Guy character, he's voiced by Adam Carolla so he gets the abbes. 

they dont;, women hold all the crads. men go after young chockadees cps if they can still bag one they prve ther worth to this world. prove they matetr, they desreve to still life, it proevs ther virility, theor enrgy, theor iufeforce. otheose hey cna onlt look frard tod etah, or worse, staidity. thus if you look at ot form thos sid,e matrtriage to men is useless, it;s a cage...

Nic nods.

Carrie Fisher: not a trap...

Fierzal someone tella  joke.........don;t say "God"...

Olumpia; my hisband BETTER nt leave me! i;m the glue that holfs the world toghetehr!!! flip that table if you;re gonna piund it oike that! in dme like that! be a man! la it! be a wrsetler! no more Olice Graden! no more palotng Mario to all yiur Oeahces riud town! there is no sucj thing as gold pieps, tatls a video-game thing! copper ishoudl eb an Olympic medsl! your pipes burst cos yu were tat cold to me! how could yu be so unfeeling! i make the BEST nrealfast, runny eggs in the middle of a fnout, i inveneted that!

Dorg;z the old man wasn;t like  aFather Te dold man, dispainmted.

Cher: the pomney> of cousre i stile the mone,y, llom at mu haor...

Eye Lugagel i wuld have thrown that ring roght into fanny uello;s throat!!! like a Mets ucther. g noght, folks...

Galicant visits Pat at colege. she;s gonna fix him a hot meak. gorst she goes to the slaon to makeup her bellybuttin and shave ehr ehad for the Dosraiulain open hear. she places a steal over her bagina to cool it. the same steak for theor dinner for tep, dinner por duo. she eats all the moon cookies she repares in ehr Easy Bake baker-donut-kiln oven. one last thing, the resistamce picec, dhe fpres a vase in ehr homemade kiln---not ehr vagona---and orsents ot to at as a goft.

Pat: i LOVE this vase! it;s brokern and eveything, i cams ee the creases of the pieces.

Galivant: but mot the seams on myua ctong...

Pat: bit where are the flowers?

Galivant: i threw them out. i threwe the wtasre. tleaving only the glue i used to lgue bacl the brokern peices. escvet i didn;ly sue glue on the vase. i used all the glue bu outing it all in my haor...