me: are you monks or ninjas now?
monks weating rosaries as belts: we;re ninji. and Elvi.
me: i hear kennofer Pizarro's bocie ronging in my rhad as i drea,m in my sleep at the moanstery. i have yet to have a lcuid dream uisndoe the osoanyery whcoh is dosappoinmting.:
jen Pizaaro: if you have to chosoe between fame abd lvoe, chosoe love
jen: you;re just amd tyhat all your soul mates live half a world away,
me: the unievrse os tryiong to tell me sormhting, there are no soul mates in Bog Cur, only sutrgers.
Jen: Bog Cior fregrs, huh, i embr went for musclemen.
Hkycel elave s potetr;s cup of water overnoght in the frodge, on the orning ehr thas grzong water ghots your ronguem your old bodu feels revotalzied for centpeoses.
Foryce is masaging the cooekd spaghetti, rolling it on her stomach.
MelrinL sup, i;m Merlin, Nic Cage;s cat. i;m a Maine coon. i simply took the hofhway all the way down here.
Greykid: welcome.
Mlem: Niuc;s a;st anme nakes ny gor stand on end,
nelin: i got loved up byu Noc Cage alst jight,
Blep: awww, rhatls weet,.
merlin:L no Nic Cage thog9ht i was his wofe Riko...
Nlem and Blep: why does our cat treats snell oike fosh food?
Jillian CVakreL Dozu lu is ku gitl feiday. iw atch ehr youtube videos on froday nights...
at the kspatey amrtoal arts training grojnd.
Phoenix from Eylin earriors: so apaprebntly i;m the RElvis of th show...
Dvod bowie: ulm on hto sbhow, too.........as Owl.
Seam Schemmel: why the FUCKL did i agre to do thos show Wulim eatrrtiprs? o was Goku, man!!! i was fucking GOKU!!!
Jim cantore: pn my fkirsyd ay at The Earyejr Cahjenl iw as a bumbling funblong spastic sjunnu beanpole of a kid weather berd.
Jm cabntore: i was fucking immy Oslen.
Walamrt; no jore wuld goose chases...
Nicghelangelo: beware thr painter wghi inly aints oottators og himself...
Glaycel always chosoe tjr jatdbell egg tjay is poiunty and eponagted liuke our noses...
nelboutneL i do rpegssionals ailing niow, it is nuts. thete;s ni set coiysem yoiu cna CHOOSE whocvj coie you sail, the lefy corcle ot the eoght corcle, itls cat and comliocated.
Vodrusl of yut;e posting or eciiving a etxt at 12 midnight, thatls fucking tne, the ibnlt thing thats on yoir mond is fucking...
orgl it;s notr faor. womnen cjecl eahc otherls boobs all teh tome for awatrds=shw and dance dresses. giys donlt check each other;s ficks.
Marpth:L do you wat ti chec ku tos for ticks?
Forgl fo hair>
Mar[th; nevermind, thso tocth borned all the ahor off,'
Forg: what;ls the deal woth ollwood abbes ona Dtorday night at a alwn arty featpring a sgortels due twrling batons and fire-eating?...
Bhagadatta: bag a dadda
ietcL yes please
DjemeuL Destonis in taiwan...
lucuma: it;s not what you rthink...
Lnce lear: Alpine DSewoychbacl> tat;s th adult ebevarge i always roder ai the tour de rance bar,
Buyyp theres alcoohl at the nrwrooed osnatery bar...
Dhery Cro; il erlaving Lss vegas...
Kepth jarrett:m i plau piano wpth y cna enow bot you cna;t stop me, mi mext colab os wotj Bhjprk...
SNL; hey Lorne!!! vgo balc toi when yiu shwoed ranpdm ajudienc eemembres in the stands abd oir a gtawdry cationb in the chyron udner them.
Vodrus: i;m scard of mon. whenevr i cna;lt fix the Eoody eidpecker cickoo clock cos it;s not the C-batterps it;s that the cock;s josy old, Fierza flarea at me ;li,e itls ju faylr the clock;s old!!!
Fuerrza: *glowers*
CkidrusL shot. i htought iw a stalking to Citard!!!
Ljuise Lseer: you had bi IDEA i had a butt like that, hh.
Lusie lasser: yeha on mry Narhman Mary ahrman ki pn;y wpre friumpu wofe housedersses so yoiu enevr saw my butt.
Dak DykrpydL checl out mi florwarm wgen i do tje hostpry-pfptv segment pm the liusie Laaer SBL.
Lpousie lassrL ueagk tjatls my hjpne nyumebr...
Dan Stkroyd: why are you alway touching yout eteth woty your finegrs>?
Lusie lasser: i donlt nrosh mu etteh,..
Lusie LassrL wnana go see Eerlocome To The Dolkhouse at a moviehouse in NYC that used to be a porn theatrw wth drty walls?
Skenrt Ouhila; myu wofe;s brain is okat now. as for my rbain...
Made in DbyussL tje soehtocal green treehosue syrordned bnu a 36degree hreen grass that;s Nanchu;s home os actually the gace of Mitty...
Knebworth: we;re the abrnm BRHINd jarry poiet. behond the Harry Pioetr bant. wed did th eidostock no onr nitcied. no, not Woodstock '90s the tpther one. only knobs libe ehre. Pink lotd pergeocmed here nad the band was so adbca,e of its audience they rmeaine anonynous frevrr...
Forucel abbr why you raotn hot soup on this such a hot fay!!!
GlatceL: it;s hot out toay> didnlt ntice. to me the wratyejr is whatever the earyejr is on the tv show ilo watcging, it;s currentlu thudnetstropms at the Maters...
Rue LiaggeL Honey oon i Vegas and go,
Noc Cage hi.
Greyklid, melnm, an bleo: we LOVE Nic Cage!!!
Nic Cgae; ilm bot soing thew ace, ilm not doing he crazi eyes. pm it safve toss ctipt is pretty pirdinary, prettyy eodesrian, pretty stamdard i nema the ontl tign thagts ets is aart are the flting Rlvoses, erioght>
GFlting Elvsuesl Flting lvi.
Nic cageL i lobe that y name si shirt, it;ps easu ti tyoe. what thos scriot has isntea dis MY FASCE. you know, the crazy afce, te vrazu eyes, i FEVOTED that face HERE!!! i logvfeferd yp to my bosses mu soegetsyponm for thwt thso kvoie shiuld ahve eben ebtotoled:
If Leavinf Lss vegas Were A Coemdy
Daraj jesic parjkerl how about that wgite dress i wore in this!!!
MarpthL i knowrioght> that whkite dress is OCONIC!!! why can;t you show it,
SJP: coprr[ght. itw as Mrily Nonrie;s dress. plus iul wearing it for Dex and the Coty, do you kn ow who we got to replace Samamtha for the secodn season of Dmd Just iek That>< Davod Fuchovny.
Laertso wrapos his hidukr aoriund Daraj jesica arker; shiudler.
Laeys: honey, i kst gotta say: the whiole nos ething, i ervr got the whole nos ehtong, you are a baptigul woman, thta;s iy, epriod. yout;e a braotuful woman.
Dorg: your nsoe is otatctong but its; shpdieded coevrd up bu that rodoculpus mane of strongy haor you alwsywa wrar. pthertspoe it;d be a pcitrie frame. plus yotiu tits. you know, yoru tits...
Sndrew brgmanL i wret thos script not absed on anyhting ie xleocned in my own wlige, i snply amde the hwoel thing up OIUT OF WHILE CLOTH. do you know how doofcult that is to do? alla rt is sonconmsciously aptgbopgtaphical.
James Cabb; i donlt get ky oart. am i shpseod to eb a real gansgetr who;s PRETEBDING to be in dry cealning or am i an iusncriplpus dric,eaners billipanire? at anut erate this while tign was a lay, a naling-fin[of, my Fidfather ties. even in freakin; Gidgather i cou;ldn;t act too good...
Sme Bavcrpft: dod you cathc me io this> no> you know liek kames cann, Lee Styrasberg wasnlt that gerta of an actpr, nothing to wtiet home about. fucl Erveratrapar, i;m the REAL MVP. im the real Tripel cfrpwm. i sued the seducuton trxhinqpes i elarend feom The Vroate tp land Mel brooks.
pearl Milelr;l not the syrup, i was Lee;s wife. iw an;t inegtersted in him, he was a grouchy old tored man,. i was Mariluy Monrie acting coach n cfnoda nte,m noe THST wa sineterstong, i couldnlt keep por Mtulu away fo h Belishi tho...
ben Cteon: yoi k,now when i tlk in my long draan[ot boing annoying voc,e ilma cting, ight. my bovie is atually pelasant in eral life. i sound like Vjrlei vaplin. i lsund loike imaginethe bocie og Noc CVage were handsome...
Nic Cage pn hos mpm;s frtahbed holding her wothered storng hand: ma, you cnalt asl me npt to ary. life is emaningelss wothout foning your souomate.
ma: fucl the botch b don;t marry here. ou ahve to do this for me, i LNOW wja amrroage is loike, i;lve LIVED marriage.
nic Vage what if i dpnt turn out to be lile dad.
ma: yout;e HIS SON!!!
ma" i;m gonna be a gp charavetr whe they flesh me out for the sjucial of this. i don;t die in the sucoal, i spevive and live and rwmain you ever=prsent alive nag.
Noc Cagel am was rogh, ebaise ilm a rpeoavte onevstogatoe that ahs soired my vee on arraoge, i ahve a dim bre of marroage, all amrrpages end up with the gpoy woth a blonde not hos wife.
SJP: i etahc special=neneds kids at a NUC oicboic shool. i brobe the dois wotha oot of GameBoys...
Nic: they're npt special ened,s they have auoitk which is antoral...
Jim carrey; have thos avccone shot that look sieka lollipop...
Nic; client:L Mikle Tyson, my abbe woth ule Tyson, you can tell thi si 192, The Vfahmp is freshofaed toricbel=free iel Tytson, everyone aorjud tbhe world LOVS Nog Miuke!!! well small Mike woth bog msucles. btwl thos os the boghegest onlogpe i will EVER HSVE in mu long illsitpsu career alting characvetr actors.
NicL what does my kig say>
Dr Rick frp, prgrrssove: Dad Jokes Sre Not Funny
Nic Cage nd Saraj hjessoca arker in bed
Nic: that was some good sex. do you like that jriror on the cieling?
SJO: ceiling mriror, that was so ;90s, tht was the SEXUEST tong you coudl do in the .0s. was that round nutt you or me?
Nicl that was my head. i cna;t marry you, yout;e too good for me, you;e empathoc, emathetcp, kind, warm, egenrous,a nd caring, all the thigns ilm not.
FDKO: do you like em> i know you ov eme but fp you ile me>
Nic notr ally no, it;s jist ap have a thignf oeetahcr,s i MUDT ficlk tehcers, you knwo?
DJO: why do you always have a dream of your mother vacuumig naked awyr evetry time we have sex?
Nc" watched Eorlimg Guirl one too many times...
Nic: ballky;s? donlt they male pinball machiens?
balkly's: we make video hgames. arcgfad games. you didnlt like Fibel ra0n? we are very ad and we arecrtong now.
Van Niys Bklvd: you;ll always be UR Bally's, your machines were the ehart of our ittle softcpre porn gilm.
Jame Canbn; penthosue suire.
Monk: i prefer pakyboy...
James caacn grabs Monk;s ablls mebacingly.
james vann: this is noty gay.
MonK sir your;e rgabbing by balls. theree;s no msyery here. o soelevd the ksoery, it;s you. yout;e hpertong me.
Jame cabnn: kid i know ablsl. bog silevr one si used to paly rllerball with.
Johny sbdwochL boss, i wull betray La Famiglia for dfoos. The Family is juts a feud but food is food. just puring that out on feont now. i will bytray you for a nadwpch. mister don.
James cann: that;s mister Caan. my wpfe looedm ECSVTLY liekl Daraj kessica parker, what are the odds! het polbpt come ehre.
poolbot: wnat to saok up the sun ike hrly crw>
caabn: y wofe dies of sinj cnacer!!! thatls verty rude!!! don;t you klnow the Ooone Lklyer;s a thion sheet of tissiue papet hat';s been ripepd to shreds?!!!
poolvit:L chaise?
Cann;l donlt chase, atartc. het outt ahere befroe you lsoe an ear!
Johnnhy Sandwich: are you the forts mo boss whi;s an ebvornimentalist?
Cannl welcoem tot he card atbel! thso is so datr trek: The Netx genatuon! i;; klet you sue ths rta[staoned ear-corneerd copt of th Hoyle book i stoel form the Lasvehas Pibli libnaray. Jerry Tarkanian is at thr tbale cos, well. it' las vergas and UNLV jost won,
Coach Tarkanian" call me The ahrk. hey i a,erayd have my mob name!!!
Caan: aduly beverage? wnat;s yout posion? scotch< whiskly? Xima?
Nicolas Cge: i son; dronl. ipm a teettpaler. i dpd this ebfroe it was cool on Holwpdd.
Mrl Miagi; you cna have Sdoan rkbis imeosnatprs singing Rvis songs. Elvis is unievrsal.
NBoc: 4 aces. natoral. n wild cards, no Jokers.
Joatyon Ohoenuxl looks at Noic Cage amdiringly, smiling at hom normally.
Joawuon Ohoenix: yout;e jy dill mna, i learemd cvray frm you.
Caan: 5 aces...
SKP" YOU LEARND ME INTO A TWBOT WHORE!!!
Nic: don;g wprryl when you do ex and h oty thos sam freatpor eof ours will bertgarded as female sexual freedom.
Nic Cage: HERE;S THE FACE!!! HERE;S WHERE I MALE THE RAY=EYES FACE FOR THE FORST TIEM IN MY CAREER!!!
Nic: moce expamspe whote spacpus ski tppm yoi ajve ehre. when is Mike tyson coming to play its iano on is shaggy roange carept?
caanL want me to hang you vy the ankles of fmu balcon iek vailal Ice?
nic: i dontl egt thay erefrence bit ilm plakong Vanilal ice i the fortever lfetme nmovie.
Caan: lokl i kstw ant to spend the weldn woth your wofe, nios ex. im not handosme enough t eb rdoenry redgrd.
Bic: Invcedebnt Porpsal is still the dfreamiest gauzsoest mot sorral softcore rpamcne of all time/. i wrote that film with Bpf Botd.
Bruno marsL that;s me as a very little TINY TONY TNY kid dping an Rkvis song. roght> who knrw/ that tyhis klittle pipdeyk of a kid would go up to be Btrono Fycking Mars!!! Ls Vgas os for kids now!!!
DJP: wow.
Cann: i know eioght> i nough all the sialnds of Hawaii,. bot ilm not imperialist, i voted for Vill Vkintom, okau?
cann holfs up the V sogn woth his fonegrs.
DJP: peave?
cannL; two dollars. he owed me two dolalrs.
DJP: wow. i am lietrrally a two=bot whor.'
cxabn: look i;lm or tryong toagslight you bot i will steal you from him. i bullt an ntre Jungel crOs eFosneyland rode on the wauerfuall lakes here so we can have out romanto cnaor teuip. u fell downa ravione to retoreve a yellow lower for you.
SJP: tjatps a no on the flwoer, yellow clashes woth myu ege cargo soets. and that wabnlt a ravinem that was a volcano, that;s why you look weprd weaogn a T short.
caan: marry me. youlve known me for one day. how many years jave yoiu lnown mco Vcage?
DJP: 13 years.'
caanL see?
Mr, kiatgi: why am i here> il not Hwaiian. i hate mahi maho fosh.
Nic: is thos ,marhsupial pee?
r. Kiaho: no it;s lep,made, it;s jst that it doensl thave anu sogart in it, you forgeogenrs can;t sronk aytgi g atls ot aoade woht sigar.
Nic; next time us sour epineaple jucie, there;s a ot pf pie appels here.
Nic: while yout;e satllomng me ay leasy taeh me ome kaarte mkoves.
Mt Mitahio: where you;re going, karate won;t help.
Nucl{ the ciuitny jail?
Lartsp dad: okay o jist gotta sya, THISSCEBER is the oblt time in thso entore thing where i spomtaneously organcially LAIGHED OUR LIUD, when the forst thong Nic encounetsr in jail is that bog naled butt.
Nic: wy would anybody LEAVE jawaiiL> eoght> yout;e living in oaardose, wht donlt you stay? wy do you ekave for another city in the aminland? there will be no palc ebetetr than THIS palce.
Mt Mitahi; have you sen this jytc;s hut? it;s a shack. thos jystoc who eats white warnmelon pth b;ack seeds.
Nic: ewhy. why is ti a shprgun shack>
Mt otaho: he oblt git rvbrhpdy e raymond...
Nic: sallu Moars, i ned a fvor.
sallu Molrad: i;m a real dentpst bot on f jsoe kob detost thwo colects teteh. i pergepm 3 unnevssaty tooy vacnals a day...
Nic: sally> really. daly a man;s name?
sallu Moalrs; bpgpdy ma;es fun of me...
cann; go ahead, punch me ion th ablls.
SJP obliges and complies and unches him int he dick.
Cabb: that npt like the kheycking dickens, but i don;t wonce cos op a toght guy. you cna hort nu cody not don;t EVER fosvrspect em woth your EORDS.
DSJP: don;t you DARE Will Sboth me!!!
caan: yout;e my rps Riocj. you;e my woman, mu human one=armed=bandpt slot machine, i own you, i ema the nob owns you. yut;e a moll.
Rubnimjon hands Saeraj jrssoca parler hos ukebr.
Tibjonl just in case yw ant to dprtch the zero ad get wpth the hrpo, i trped woth Riko but...anyway i catered theor wedding i don;t vate anymore!!!
Johnny DSnwoch in the hotle icthem.
Hohnny dabdowchL ilmc hasong someone, but i stoepd for a bote of French dip du gpur brown sauce with my roll and hanpgng veiny meat wothout the oll.
Dmthony BoyftaoNl it;s pal, i apd he coud do it.
Talahsi: SAN JPSE SHOUTOTUT!!! never agon will dan Jose be thos predminant pm the midns pf a gbala udonce.
Bic; too mny eartyhaiales here. mean earhywoales in my rbaon. any flights out?
lifh attedant: i,m ben Dteon/ see il a godoa ctor.
Flyong REloviu: we;re the Flyong Evpses!!! utah cahapter!!!
Mott Ypomeneyn as aone of he Elvises SPR DOWN YOUT;E HAVONG TOO MYCH FUN!!! i can do thos job co si have antrially Elvis haor!!!
Nic: is t the erd wore or the blue wore?
Mirr Romet; both. that;s wy i losot the elction. i know wbetone love ovana, bot if you giys let me win ocbnem there wouldn;lt eb Byno now...
Elbis: thos os RIDICULOUS!!! i would NEVER do such an inane thiogn as jumo put of a plane!!! my ehart coudn;t take it!!! i;d die pg aheart atatckl all the cholesterol fprm all the fped bamas and [eanutpnitetr bacon wou;d gove me the runs while iw a sflyong, i would beocme incontoent uo there.
Daraj jesioca Parekrl ravenously kisses Nic Cage.
SJP: wo were youa bel to alnd?
Nic: myu Rlvis suit is illuminated,. i ate kus dieborns is that olay? ney why are you tryong out for Dhwogitls?
DJO: i;m actually gonna dp nduoty on svreen fpr ocne...
Caan: nah. stip chaisng, it;s oevr, he won. he won the roa,nce wars, yu can;t beat skydovong. i the wseaul i;m gonna won Daraj kesisc Parker over, bac oevr, by skyconong rpm a drone...
talashi; ip nust kiamginig how FIN it would eb to do thsi jsuical. how kjich it would be to WROTE thso msuical. now fun it would be to buy a tocket and be i t h AIDIENBDE for this jsical. kst a fin tiem for alkl; thso movie is spagehtoto and meatballs.
DoegL that;s your gfavorpote noodle?
Nuic: i dd this sucai bpt none of the plandlione phens ever worked...
Rikjo Shibata: i marredo Nic Cage in ela oife in las vegas. huh.
Darak jesoca Parlet; ieah and my hisban foensl have cpvod anynmor.e okay. it wa sjst the flu g;noght folks.
in my cell Krstof sots me fown on a Walmart bo of hand-soapf[r=taint bottles tiuvhing ky shiydler as he talks me though my dark Night o the doul. he looks thpoguth my ltpng eyesl it;s dark so he canlt see my afec so it;s dpfficult.
krpstpf; dp not eb deeoevd. if yout;e living in nsoatgoa, yout;e refosng to accrpt thta life is about chamge. change mirphs and forms doeferent changes. Obama changed the world bpt thspe 8 yars of healing quickly gave way toa abcklash that jas ]rmanent;y paralyzed thw wor;ld, ipm oi fvaor of Obama as Lifetpme Oersodentim at elast amle him Pope pr soemthong. it;s the change in hr[says you have to amke or you;ll anever avchoebe that Ekvis pinoasour. it;s the losoe change you slide in the slit to open the minibar...
Ltrpstof: ebetpthing i changiong all the time, you can;lt stop it.