JOSH AND S.A.M.: WAIT, KIDS KNOW HOW TO DRIVE?

Tai: what do you need now for yourself?

Luke Russert: i need to STRETCH. to STRETCH OUT. to FUCKING STRETCH OUT MY LIMBS. i wish i had a pull-up bar back at the hostel.

Tai: can't you make one homemade from a youtube video like everything else?

Luke: i haven't the supplies, it's more complicated than building a shower.

Tai: there's gotta be something in Nature you can use........now let's see...OH HERE!!! look, a pretty strong tree branch that juts out straight, climb this Callery pear tree, scootch out to the edge of the branch, and pull-up away, the lumps in your armpits will feel SO FUCKING SORE.

Luke does this and the tree branch snaps.

Tai: you're fat, i told you. there aren't any limbs left after that, yours or the tree's.

me: you heal me, Jen. i'll take you anywhere you want to go. i'll wait for you FOREVER. if it's my last day on Earth and i'm 95 years old, i'll dress up in my pink tux and experience one day of marriage to you. 

Jen R: a pink sweater becomes a wedding dress in one easy stitch.

me: i'll travel to Japan just to show you a good time on a Friday night.

Jen R: i was thinking jazz club but karaoke is good, too.

me: what's your go-to karaoke song?

Jen R: the one from Lost In Translation.

me: you're the only thing that's important to me in this world. if i was in the middle of another marriage and you texted me, i'd drop my wife and run to you.

Jen R: you gotta relax. you gotta breathe right. if it's meant to be it's meant to be. 

me: i can't wait for you FOREVER.........yes i can.

Jen R: it may take 50 years to find out. but remember, as Daniel Johnston sings, "True Love will find you in the end."

Jen R: hey have you noticed that the GrubHub menu is the same menu as the DoorDash menu?

Gladyce: have an easy fast, dear.

Doryce: but i don't want my sex to be fast, dear, i'm easy.

Fast Times at Ridgemont High: ...

Doryce: at Yom Kippur we all eat yummy kipper.

Gladyce: no, we all eat fish with no Shake N Bake coating, that's the sacrifice part of the day.

Doryce: i don't wanna sacrifice anymore, i sacrificed enough for the rest of my life for the pandemic. 

Tai: hello. thanks for coming in. thank you for ringing the bell.

Doryce: i like ringing bells, dear.

Tai checks out Doryce top to bottom stem to stern. Doryce turns around.

Doryce: be sure to check out my butt. what yoga pants do you recommend?

Tai: huh, so for you i'd recommend.........like three or four sex pillows.

Boc: there's a power outage all across town.........wait is it 9AM or 4AM?.........oh okay so all of these shops are dark because they're closed and it's 4AM.

Boc: why is everyone at Lucky preparing for the Apocalypse? all the shelves and registers are covered over by thick black tarps.

Jackie Fitzgerald: right? it's like they're preparing for another 6-Day Blackout. but how do they know? this outage only started at 6:45 and it's supposed to end at 9:15!!!

Boc: the only power you're gonna get for the next week is the leftover power in your electric toothbrush.

Pati Jinich: i'm a Mexican milf? but ALL Mexican mothers are milfs.

Malory Archer: the greatest love story ever told, like me and my beloved Archer, is you and your beloved soccer son Juju.

Suzy Lu: hey Pati Jinich, can i borrow your magenta eyeshadow?

Will Smith: i wanted a polyamorous relationship with Halle Berry and Misty Copeland.

Jada: quite the lineup. is "polyamorous" like "entanglement"?

Will Smith: okay fine, i wanted a threesome.

Jada: say what now?

Will: i mean a FOURSOME with you included of course, honey.

Ear Horn: the trick with the AGA cooker, dearies, is in the magic, you put a Medieval tart in, you get a Medieval tart out, a tart with a GIANT inverted strawberry the leaves smushed into the flaky crack-crust middle of the pie, the middle crust, all meant for Jack Horner's thumb.

Socrates: i survived hemlock by unlocking my Sherlock chakra eating crack-crust dust under my tongue like a drug. the AGA cooker also transforms an espresso mug of Turkish coffee into a briki of Greek coffee, how do you explain that?

Ear Horn: the Callery pear tree growing in my front lawn, pluck these pears and squeeze them into perry wine, dearie, it's an angelic aphrodisiac. it helped my daughter and her male coffin concubine.

Doryce: thank you, dear, i like Callery trees, they smell like cum.

Batman Beyond: always find the world that has the hovering cars.

George Jetson: hovering cars are safer than flying cars.

Wells Fargo: what's in the safety deposit box?

Boc: my flu fears. you know when you're sick, physically sick, you become very selfish. you don't care that you don't have any friends anymore, all you care about is recovering, getting well again. now get to Little League practice, it's 6AM. see that old man tottering in the parking lot? and walking is supposed to PREVENT dementia.

Abbot Butt: you were only able to see a movie about a monastery because you weren't IN a monastery.

Takahashi: my computer is OBSESSED with updates.

Eye Luggage: Josh and S.A.M. and go.

Drake Bell: not a Nickelodeon show.

Doryce: i like ringing Bells.

Dirg:I'LL be the one to come right out and say it: S.A.M. stands for Simply Awful Movie.

Martin Brest: hey at least i'm not talking about Gigli. why did Gigli end up being so bad? it had JLo and Ben, what could go wrong?

JLo and Ben Affleck: it was a success to us, in our book, our wedding book, did you sign the wedding book?

Martin Brest: Ben, why are you in a Dunkin Donuts commercial with a JLo wannabe?

Jacob Tierney: i have such SAD EYES throughout this entire film. i'm melancholic the whole time, my face is down, my lips are quivering. i'm about to cry at all times. 

Noah Fleiss: yes Heidi Fleiss is my mother.........was my mother.

Laertus: i mean this thing has some heavy hitters in it.

Martha Plimpton: i couldn't save this movie like i saved Goonies.

Stephen Tobolowsky: i was the biggest star to ever come out of that NBC TV show Heroes. yes my last name sounds like a Willy Wonka candybar.

Joan Allen: i am way too milfy to have a husband who's a nerd with glasses. why wasn't JEAN-LUC PICARD my sidepiece!!!

Chris Penn: don't worry i'm fine. every movie i'm in i die a horrible death and come back to life. i share my brother's political views.........which no one can exactly pinpoint.

Josh: i'm gonna brainwash you now, kid, okay, little brother? 

Sam: i understand.

Josh: i know you're a kid and susceptible to flights of fancy imagination, but when i tell you your're a robot built to go fight a war in Africa that our own government secretly waged like you're some Terminator android boy, that's all out of whole cloth, remember?

Sam: perfectly. but then there's no story.

Josh: the CIA did this to you.

Sam: Canada In America?

Sam: but big brother, how can i do all these The Bionic Woman things with my hands and feet? i can throw a kickball 100 feet, i can kick a kickball 100 feet and round the bases.

Josh: kickball is one of those very boutique sports that were only played at St. Cyril's in the '80s. weird combination of soccer and baseball. thus, all the records are tainted.

Sam: Josh, when i got cut i didn't bleed.

Josh: yes you did, you got a bandaid from the cute nurse so you got distracted.

Joan Allen: JP's coming over.

Patrick Stewart: are you sure you don't need a JLP in your life? shoot for the stars, woman.

Josh: i hate JP's smelly accent and cologne.

Joan: now honey, don't you want your mother to have sex again? don't i get to enjoy life, too?

Sam: where's mom?

Josh: gone. Sam, an acronym can stand for many things.

Sam: i know, Josh, mine stands for a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles thing.

dad: son, you need to toughen up, be a football player, don't be a faggot. this is PAINFULLY IRONIC coming from me who is a wimp who wears glasses and is bald.

Josh: haven't i cried enough at this dinner table? how many more tears must i shed to prove to you and your goon sons that i'm not a faggot? i hate being in a strange place. don't test me, Jake Gyllenhaal!!! you like football, yes?

Jake Gyllenhaal: yeah, so what, faggot?

Josh: the mascot of your football team is a scary BIG-ASS Rabbit!!!

Josh: what's your favorite brand of apple juicebox?

Sam: the one with the pretty girl on the front.

Josh thinking aloud to himself: huh. do you think he'll know about Pretty Lady grapes? do you think he likes grape juiceboxes?

Josh: hey Sam, let's not go in there, NOTHING GOOD comes from attending a high-school reunion.

Laertus: DAMN THAT'S COLD!!! the older brother just ABANDONS the little brother at the hotel with a tray of mints and boards the elevator, i mean come on!!!

Chris Penn: thank you for not killing me with a pool cue.

Josh: but i did.

Chris Penn: but not really. ironically i wish i had lived longer, like this in the script, in my REAL life.

at Don's Plum.

Josh: can i hide out here in this booth?

waitress: sure, sugar, you just need to order a plum.

Sam: wait, i'm 7 years old, how do I know how to drive a car?

Josh: i know, right? same. same with me, i'm 12 years old and i can somehow drive a car with ease, when did i learn this?

Josh: what's in Canada?

Sam: freedom, thy name is Melissa Maker.

Josh: i'm paying for this pizza with JP's credit card.

Maury Chaykin: nice try, kid, i'm on to your scam, Jean-Luc Picard has never eaten pizza. i saw that on an episode of Maury.

Martha Plimpton: don't call me Meter Maid, that's outdated and sexist.

at the A&W Restaurant out in the middle of the desert.

Josh: um, do you have one of those machines that can talk to deaf people?

highway patrol: of course not, i'm just another dumb cop.

Josh: then you can't arrest us. do you know that it's illegal to arrest a deaf person?

Martha: ah, Harriet Tubman, that was the best 3rd Grade book report i ever wrote.

Josh: i never knew Salt Lake City had so many trains!!!

Martha: how do you think they get all the salt?!!! and the punks. salt punks. i should have been in SLC Punk, don't you think? i'm perfect to be in that film.

at Bob's Big Boy.

Josh: why are you looking at me with them googly eyes? is there something happening between us? feelings developing? you're cute but why'd you kiss me?

Martha: because you're a good PROVIDER. you're the provider in our little family here.

Josh: why are you treating me like the man of the house? like your husband? age-gap and everything, it's weird. 

Martha: i come from a broken home, i need stability. i need a stalk of soft broccoli on my plate every night.

Martha: wanna run away with me?

Dirg: THIS IS CRAZY!!! THIS WOULD NEVER HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE!!! this relationship would be bonkers, what would be in it for HER? all of this stuff leads to REAL-LIFE PAINFUL HEARTBREAK. we've all experienced this situation.

me: two words: Nasira Babian.

Carly Severn: ...

Marha: i just want a family, i've never had a family. wanna run away with me? and see Kurt Cobain's first show ever in Seattle?

Josh: oh you didn't say that before. sure, let's go.

Josh: all of this is boring. just tell us about your relationship with River Phoenix, that's the only interesting thing going on around here at this time.

Martha Plimpton: i loved that boy. but he loved drugs more than me, i had to cut him loose for both our sakes. who knew our only Oscars red carpet would be our LAST Oscars red carpet, dresses shouldn't become iconic Ike that. you'll excuse me if i don't attend the premiere of this movie, i'm a little busy grieving the death of my soulmate. i'll never celebrate Halloween again. i was supposed to go to that Halloween party at the Viper Room with River, too, we were gonna dress up as Bartles & Jaymes, our matching costumes were those two old porch dudes. River carried the rocking chair on his back down the downtown streets of L.A.

Josh: mister sir, that's my brother on that tractor-trailer!!! i need to get off this bus!!!

busdriver: no can do, son, this is a Greyhound bus, it will NEVER STOP.

Udo Kier: look at my face. look at this face. what about THIS face makes you think i know anything about tanning booths?

Josh: don't cry, Sam.

Sam: but you're the one who's crying.

Josh: but i can never see you again. don't search for me, i'm a lost cause. i will always love you like Itachi loves Sasuke. but only in spirit, Itachi's spirit body. i will always be your invisible big brother. i'm a fugitive for life.

Sam: when will i see you again?

Josh: when i'm a man. when i'm Harrison Ford.

Josh: why you gotta be such a hardass?

dad: i learned it from MY father. my father was Dick Butkus.

Jacob Tierney: i mean NOBODY came to the Hollywood premiere of this thing, only me and my parents and Sam and his parents. none of the actors, directors, writers, and producers came. that is sad, demoralizing, pathetic, and depressing.

Eye: yeah so this movie is VERY VERY VERY VERY bad. and then all the imdbers DESPERATE to convince me with their reviews that somehow i missed it and this movie is actually very good and if you look hard enough at it and read between the lines this movie REALLY offers something PROFOUND...

Arnold Schwarzenegger: a little brother will go to GREAT lengths to secure the love of his older brother. if it means playing his game he'll play his game to the bitter end. the only way this movie could have been saved is if in the end it turns out the little brother IS the Terminator...

Jen R: i don't care what anyone says, i still bought the soundtrack to this movie. i love jazz as you know, all that great Chet Baker fills my soul like a pudding cup. don't call him Chet Faker, it's like the Faul McCartney thing. wait, it's Chet Atkins? nevermind. g'night folks.