Jimmy and Chris are in the stands at the Australian Open.
Jimmy Connors: there's something different this year about the fan stands. i can't quite put my finger on it.
Chris Evert: but you put your finger inside strange women. i feel it too tho. i'm finding as i get older i want to be AS FAR AWAY from the action on the court and AWAY form all the strange people in the stands, i hate people the older i get, people are weird, i don't want anything to do with them, i don't want their germs.
Jimmy: oh come on, honey, you just haven't met the right person yet. you haven't fallen in love yet.
Jimmy: the crowds were always raucous and rowdy when i played in the '70s. in fact most people were heckling me to actually kill John McEnroe. but they had their wits about them. THESE people are just DRUNK.
Chris: hey Roger, what's going on in these stands?
Roger Federer: the fans are allowed to have ALCOHOL now throughout the ENTIRE match. they're also allowed to leave their seats AT ANY TIME during the match. the players LOVE this...
Jimmy: hey man, you gotta have CONCENTRATION or you're tennis trash. what's everyone having? Jagermeister for me.
Chris: tequila for me like Billy Porter, bitch.
Roger: just a lime water for me. well i finally relocated your son, he's playing down there right now. i feel depressed.
Chris: cheer up, Fed, i know our son is a handful.
Roger: no, it's that Nadal is gone, no idea where he is. he moved to Saudi Arabia...
Jimmy: probably got kidnaped. Rafael would score a HANDSOME random. see what i did there? Rafael's cute.
Chris: want me to fuck you with a can of tennis balls to make you feel better?
Roger, hangdog: no thanks.
Roger picks up his binoculars from inside his tennis trunks.
Roger: omG!!! THAT's not your son Kris!!!...
Jimmy: it's weird, right? Jimmy Eat World helped the Ravens win their playoff game but they aren't even from Baltimore...
Eric Andre, live near Broadway: don't worry, that wasn't cum, that was ranch...
Jack Lemmon: isn't it easier when i have no lines? the screen is silent. and the actors just move around doing stuff? no dialogue. i've always worked better in silent films. i did a lot of that in Bell, Book and Candle...
Senku: at least give the audience a good ol' Senku Scoff...
Luffy: the One Piece battle arena looks like a giant Metamucil wafer cracked in half...
Robin: i crack my Metamucil wafers by dipping them in hot tea.
Nami: you have a Jamie Lee Curtis vibe to you, Robin. i am not mental.
Luffy: hey girls have you ever noticed i have a scar under my left eye?...
Ancient Rome: gladiator battles were our TV...
Tootsie: have you noticed that this is a movie about a man who dresses as a woman, but it's done in the most serious sobering way. it's not lighthearted and farcical, it's grave.
Mrs. Doubtfire: we had more fun with it.
Andy Warhol: i fell in love with Tootsie...
Pyewacket: i keep weird hours. i eat lunch at 4AM and go to the bathroom at 4:10AM...
Talia: we all keep strange hours. all cats keep odd hours...
Jimmy Stewart: do i really have a whiny voice?
Inuyasha: yes. it's whinier than MINE!!!
Billy Mays: hear me out, i become the pitchman for cocaine...
Mardith: it's pouring rain out, are you going to the gym and working out? cuz i wouldn't.
Laertus: it's atmospheric tho. doing curls as you spot a HUGE grey cloudbank rolling past your bleary eyes.
Boc: a seagull's wingspan is the length of the Empire State Building. broad.
Fuerza: a robin's feather is mottled bluegrey and brown like melty hippie ice cream, not red...
Celine: never give up. take me for example. at the end of Before Sunset i'm having it out with Ethan Hawke in the back of a French taxi. he's telling me about his wife and kid. AT THAT POINT there was ZERO PERCENT CHANCE i'd end up having twins with this man!!!...
Michael Weiss: i'd love to live atop a hill, that's much harder to type in the Instagram comments than you'd think...
Ariana Araiza: my thing is not working...
Dr. Vacc: on my walk this morning there's a covid mask that's been literally FOSSILIZED into the gas-station asphalt...
seagulls: hey the best song ever is that Tootsie theme song...
Lando Calrissian: it wasn't my fault, i have psychopathic finger...
Bertolli: since the American Civil War...
Federer: that's when i found out about them...
Ron DeSantis: i couldn't find that puzzle piece that's in the shape of a chess rook...
Milton Berle: why'd you ban me from SNL for life?
Lorne Michaels: Dolly Parton, it's the Squidbillies thing all over again.
Milton: you ban Adrien Brody for life? he won an Oscar!!! did i win an Oscar? im asking, i don't remember. at least I never wore Bob Marley dreadlocks...
The Outer Limits: the perfect cocktail of sex and science.
Aeon Flux"Ether Drift Theory".
Trevor: my only dream was to have AI aliens and and humans eat the same Taco Bell booth...
Bargeld: i was already dead, Aeon, the least you could have done is sit on my face...
Denise Poirier: i get ALL the men, women, and mechanical flies with MY VOICE...
John Rafter Lee: this is a very difficult thing to achieve, but i have the SEXIEST BRITISH VOICE OF ALL TIME despite not being the sexiest Brit.
Denise Poirier: you're okay. you look like my brother.
Patrick Rafter: ...
rash guard: for grognards. when you need your T-shirt to be sexy.
the Lasso Dance: the official dance of Romancing the Stone...
Jacob Elordi: i mean, do cricket players need to be tall?...
Doryce: halftime adjustment, when Bama adjusts his cup...
Bama: my package is completely moisturized with lime cream to avoid chafing.
Boc: i can hear the sound of silverware rustling. silverware clanging. you know that thing where you're walking fast in one direction while some dude is walking just as fast in the perpendicular direction, and you crash into the other meeting EXACTLY at the swinging door...
Harry Styles: yes.
Boc: there's actually an old couple at the water station!!! i was so gobsmacked i opened the electric door with hesitation magic!!! who gets water on a rainy day?...
Dirg: intuitive keyboard my ASS!!! this intuitive keyboard keeps SABOTAGING me!!!...
Tiffany McDaniel: i don't have resting bitch face, my lips simply come from the 1920s...
Mike McDaniel: my daughter.
Tiffany McDaniel: flapper lips. not the other way around. i ain't calling Elizabeth Warren, okay?...
alcohol markers: drunk pens.
gouache: when you got an ache on your goiter.
Snoop Dogg; gangstas get goiters, too. when Gs wash their graffiti off the walls.
Martha Stewart: i sucked your goiter off during our lovemaking last night, Snoop.
Jimmy Stewart: Mother, is that you?...
Martha Stewart: please refer to me from now on as Mother Martha.
Roger Federer: that's not Kristian down there!!! that player down there is ETHAN QUINN!!!
Ethan Quinn: sorry eey for her depletion.
Tiger; I gotta starpghen that bot outl you find if I smack home upside t had with a scary tennis court I found o the stands?
Chris vryL go head.
Jimmy Vinny's; just in thwack, no two thks.
RiegrL boot what you doin'? why are you here I th sands fowht mE Snead of ON the court?
Kristian Comnnors: I mean no LL wl, IL most alt. I; a home here with KY peel those are ku pee; this has toend innot a college fan section, is the SRIDEBT ECTION!!!
Siegel but you haven't studied for Anthony o out enter ife.
Kris: I know it I earning, I a Taco Bell Drdon section on the g and I immediately gravitated to this spot taco bell and LFC are company plates water all.
Let Viabinl labelmates like ema ND Effie Vedder.
just; I just always wnat a space in life ei can mosh and crossword hen I get honey.
EZ Taylor and Holt Hnaley: as the crssfad couple, w elbow crowding is Jared than body sorting.
RiegrL okay, son, as your tennis ether help me with this beer snake...