-poster.jpg)
.9.jpg)
Jen R and i are aboard a luxury cruise liner ship.
me: are you sure we can afford this?
Jen R: no. but i need to be on a fancy boat or i can't hear Alan Watt's words in that Alan Watts voice.
Alan Watts in Toriyama Trunks trunks: think about your dream life. where you have everything to your heart's content. all the love affairs you've desired since adolescence, all the wealth you couldn't receive because you were born in the poor bracket, all the fame where it's just enough but not overboard.........now forget that you are dreaming and continue to live life in this way...
we're aboveboard on the top deck.
Jen: isn't it cool to play shuffleboard on these planks? i've never worn sunglasses before in my entire life.
Alan Watts: after a fashion...
me: let me fashion for you my special secret drink. i'll pour it in this gin glass here with a sprig of pineapple.
Jen: hand it to me, our chaise longues are parallel. huh, it tastes like...
me: it's not semen. but it IS my tantric milk.
Jen: oh it's Mocha Mix!!! are you getting the uneasiness again lightning down your spine?
me: i always feel unexciting and as if i'm not in phase with this timeline of the universe.
Jen: look, look at it this way: take marriage, right? i mean the husband and wife are not always together to keep reinforcing the fact that they need each other to live and life is meaningless without the other. sometimes the husband goes on a "business trip" or the wife is "answering the mail" and the two lovebirds are apart for WEEKS at a time!!! so what happens during those weeks? do they forget the other exists? do they FORGET that they are MARRIED to each other even though they haven't SEEN each other for a year after all the holidays?
me: trust. it's about trust. all relationships, all marriages, are built on a rock of Gibraltar called TRUST.
Jen: trust and TIME. time apart. time away. but when you finally reunite it's like you never left. marriage is like riding bikes, pick it up where you left off lo those many years ago. marriage has no time limit.
Lindy Lenz is on this ship, too.
Lindy Lenz: naturally, i'm a natural traveler. i've never worn sunglasses in my life, either!!! how do i look?
me: the same. that same quirky Baltimore wanderlust. hey you wanna try my milky tropical cocktail concoction?
Lindy: i drank it while you were talking.
me: oh Lindy!!! why must we play these games? why can't it be easy? why can't it be simple? why can't you be my wife? i would have multiple reasons to move to Baltimore...
Lindy: patience. patience sucks, but there are my Instagram voice messages in the meantime. don't worry, i won't forget you. you have to realize, life takes a LONG time...
Jen looking at Lindy then me: have you ever heard of Baltimore breath?...
Ma Mac is next to us on the deck lounge.
Ma Mac: i'm wearing a tropical muumuu but i'm not pregnant.
Matthew McConaughey: my ma is an INSPIRATION, she's 90 and kicking ass like she's 35. think of her as 35 all over again but with a lifetime's wisdom. she's everybody's Caroline in their church choir circle...
Ma Mac: when you get to be my age, strange things start occurring, strange Earth happenings start happening, my sneeze sounds like an owl howl.
Jen: i know some crones you should contact, i'll give you their spell card.
Lindy: thar she blows!!! no not my period, a GRAY WHALE!!!
Greykid: that's grey whale.
Lindy: we humans foolishly thought they were extinct!!!
Greykid: cats know better, we eat them everytime we drink water from a faucet.
Lindy: it's a good thing we still live on a planet where the oceans aren't boiling...
me: i was told not to obsess about the future, the inhabitable inhospitable future.
Lindy: you like chicken?
me: i love General Tso chicken!!! and i'm a peacenik hippie. the spicier the better.
Lindy: i like my chicken with extra cheese. softens the spice. if you promise to be patient i'll get you what you really want. they still sell 1980s Steak-Umms but only in China...
Doryce on deck: excuse me, shirtless man-waiter wearing an unbuttoned shirt fluttering in the wind, can i have a pat of margarine?
Gladyce: we'll take butter.
Mickey Mouse: there is no butter aboard this vessel...
Doryce: you know when butter comes brand new from the churn, in the center it looks like a penis.
Gladyce: that's a flower's stamen, dear...
Sally Field: '90s Sally Field. right? yup, i was YUMMY back then, son, i was a fucking milf. i owned Burt's outer-space house with my smile alone. i mean i was the hot mom in Mrs. Doubtfire, what more do you want? what more IS there?
Kurt Cobain: Christmas 1993, the last few months of nostalgia left on Earth...
Aunt Cork and Uncle Russ: when we visit sick relatives, we go in and out, like that burger chain we just discovered. Tim and Kavita have been talking about and surfing by that place for years.
Aloe Vera: Poison Ivy's genteel aunt who lives in Gotham City's Canoga Park, in a condo not the park.
Madame Pons: LUSH and McDonald's are teaming up.
Takahashi: bath bombs in the Happy Meal?
Madame Pons: instead of beef tallow, medicinal tallow.
Gladyce: dear, when i was doing the dishes i caught a stray pubic hair stuck on the Treehouse dishwasher door...
Doryce: ...
Doryce: one of Bama's?
Gladyce: one of yours...
Progressive: we're only doing this ghost commercial NOW because Ghosts on CBS is such a big unexpected hit.
Yellow Power Ranger: i never knew showbiz success like THIS was possible!!!...
Melissa Maker: backsplash...
Red Hot Chili Peppers: "Californication" sounds like that Serial Experiments Lain theme song.........we watched a lot of PBS during 9/11...
Christopher Reeve: i am the American Daniel Day-Lewis...
One-A-Day.
Ronald McDonald: why doesn't McDonald's offer hot dogs? i eat 8 hot dogs a day and i'm SHREDDED but nobody wants to see my chest inside this clown costume.
Super Mario: be careful with shrooms, i eat a teaspoon of spores everytime i touch the mushroom in the game, i don't become Super, mushrooms grow inside my stomach.
Wuigi: hey, don't knock gummies, gummies help me remember who i am...
Alice & Jack on PBS: the Irish Before Trilogy...
The Battle of Los Angeles: you can't have war nerves in a war of nerves...
Zack de la Rocha: ...
Zack de la Rocha: i'm normally not this quiet...
Stakeout (1987): if ANY movie doesn't have a naked woman in it, what exactly does it have?...
Madeleine Stowe: i played Shakespeare's mother on the London stage...
Lindsey Graham fainting in Congress waving his soggy white-flag handkerchief: sweet vapors he did it. the sonofagun did it. by George Washington the old man actually did it...
Joe Biden: behind closed doors opened like that Moses Ten Commandments wave. the skies of Heaven took favor upon me seeing i was older than Moses and a good man like Moses.
Super Mario: it's weird when March hits and i can see the trash trucks coming from 5 miles away on a clear-as-day 6:30AM morning...
Boc: if i RAN instead of walked i would look silly in the morning. i'd look even sillier if i JOGGED...
Jimmy Kimmel: we're making this ESPECIALLY difficult for you now, the Oscars move BACK one hour earlier but then ALSO it's Daylight Saving which already moves Time one hour forward anyway. nobody watches the Oscars anymore anyway, right?...
LeVar Burton: i always knew rainbows were circles. nobody asked me in the '80s. nobody approached me in the '70s...
Eye Luggage: Evil Toons and go.
Fred Olen Ray: it's a B movie. what did you expect? this is what a B movie IS...
Madison Stone and Stacey Nix: we're the porn stars in this cast.
Julie Patzwald, Mardith, and Eye Luggage: you're doing this on International Women's Day?!!!
Fred Olen Ray: totally random, it just happened to be today on this day, i swear.
David Carradine: this is cruel. me with his noose? this is how i died in real life. i wonder if THIS movie was the inspiration for improving my sex life...
Ear Horn: you see, dearies? there's nothing to be scared, afraid, and frightened of. fear not your religion. those aren't Satanic verses, merely cartoon drawings in a coloring book.
Eye Luggage: yeah i mean don't all books have faces and talk to you? or is that just a goth thing. they all did when you read me bedtime stories at night, mom, remember?
Ear Horn: when i read you MY Goodnight Moon book, the moon was the moon from The Mighty Boosh...
H.P. Lovecraft: the Necronomicon is merely a book on skin care. i need to stop having dreams where these names appear...
women in a van: the most important word of the day of this movie is COED. okay? COED, we MUST stress the importance of higher education for young women trying to get ahead in this world. we're all coeds, we all go to college.
Jack Tripper: oh yeah, i've seen you students milling around campus, don't you all go to San Diego State?...
Monique Gabrielle: i'm the Velma of the group. i COULD do porn but i decided to become a regular actor...
Monique: like i guess i could have chosen a middle ground and done softcore Emmanuelle movies or something, my namesake...
Megan: we'll have this haunted house cleaned in no time. i borrowed this hoover from an Irish busker and Czech flower girl...
Suzanne Ager: i'm the mom of the group.........and yes i look like Terri from Three's Company...
Michelle Bauer: i'm Jack's wife...
Dick Miller watching his younger self on the telly: look at me on the black-and-white boob tube, i cut a handsome figure, what happened to me? why do i do porn now? i'm Dick Clark but i can act!!! i'm this generation's Bela Lugosi!!! i'm the Beach Boy who went crazy and started wearing diapers and building sandcastles in his bedroom but is a musical genius and the only one who knows all the notes!!!
Dirg: um, the dialogue. is it INTENTIONALLY bad or do people really talk like that? do the women know their lines or don't they? why is there such a slow drag to the dialogue? they all sound like they're in a porn film...
Arte Johnson: i was the best Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In guest they ever had, it springboarded me into appearances on Hollywood Squares and Press Your Luck...
Arte Johnson: i have the perfect last name to do this picture...
Wes Craven: serious question, can you have a horror movie without nudity?
Freddy Krueger: absolutely, that's what dreams are for...
Jason: doesn't matter, i can't see a thing...
Megan: we'll solve this mystery!!! we still have the Scooby Van, right?
Dick Miller: that was a lease for a day shoot...
Suzanne Ager: girls, we do NOT believe in ghosts!!! DMs haven't been invented yet...
Dick Miller: sorry, babe, i can't be a husband to you, i have to protect the girls from evil demonic spirits.
wife: but isn't staying and satisfying me in bed being a man, too?
Rox: i have to ask, why am i the MOST naked in this movie? hey who stole the Nutter Butters!!! everyone has a Bama in their life, the average quarterback of the community-college football team?
Megan reading the book: what even IS that position? Velma would not approve of this scientific sex book.
Fred Olen Ray: so Who Framed Roger Rabbit this ain't. see we had LIMITED RESOURCES to animate this cartoon. VERY LITTLE MONEY. we had to create a budget Tasmanian Devil who could only be on screen for one minute tops. i wanted to make sure he had enough lines to tell us his motivation...
Martin Yan: here, use my Chinese chef knife cleaver as the knife.
David Carradine: look at me performing in this ending here, why wasn't i in Highlander?...
David: Velma, do you want to run away with me? i know i'm a little older than you but...
Megan: can't, i have a math pop quiz in the morning...
David: universities have pop quizzes?...
last scene: it makes sense about Saturday morning cartoons, right? adults like them more than kids. adults are up late on a Friday night drinking and drugging and not getting any sleep through to Saturday morning when they can decompress, chill, and vegetate to some toons...
kids: yeah but we still like cereal more than you adults...
Jerry Seinfeld: ...
David Carradine: if i had gone the Disney Channel route like my brother, i'd still be alive today. g'night folks...
me by the fire: i can honestly say i've never tried the McDouble...