WOOLGATHER: THE ARCHITECT OF THE '80s

me: i had a thought.

dad: and?

me: YOU were the '80s. the '80s were "magic" to me because of YOU. you made it all happen. made the gears of golden grace turn with your nostalgic grease. starting with reading me Tolkien as a bedtime story when i was 5. that got me interested in literature and learning, thereby i enrolled in school.

dad: you enrolled in kindergarten by yourself?

me: and all the stuff that came with having STRUCTURE in my young life. when you have a schedule, when you have weekdays, that makes way for the stuff after 3 PM. hence all that great '80s TV. and on the weekends and days off: Chuck E. Cheese, AYSO soccer, Q*Bert Smurf, Rainbow Brite, Lite Brite, Reagan, the Handel cover, the silver glitter glove, Garbage Pail Kids, a potato man that teaches you how to be a surgeon, hard-to-pronounce candy, midnight libraries with books on the ceiling, and the need for some reason to watch every single episode of SmallWonder. 

dad: i don't know anything about you now.

me: this path allowed the means by which to have a car so we could go places going to places like church and the arcade.

dad: i just wish you had finished your schooling i started you on. oh wait i know, you like those Bourbon biscuits, right? because they have BOURBON in those block letters you like...

electric stand heater: i need to rest, not recharge. humans could learn from me.

Time Bandits.

Kevin: when you're being bullied by dwarfs, you're having a bad day.

dwarfs: all dwarfs can swim...

Katherine Helmond: Tony Danza has clearly let himself go here. why is the inside of this pirate ship a wrestling ring?...

ogre: it's the '80s, environmentalism is still cool. wife, where the wild things are?

Katherine Helmond: certainly not in the bedroom, good fellow, that's for sure. 

ogre: got any Doan's?

dwarfs: it's the giant head from the Pink Floyd "High Hopes" music video!!!

Kevin: drugs!!!

dwarfs: you're too young to know about drugs!!!

Kevin: i said droogs...

giant: when i sleep, i dream. my dreams are so big that Geraldine Ferraro wins the U.S. Presidency...

Kevin: damn, mom's hot as a Vegas showgirl. and dad looks like the 90210 dad.

R2-D2: chin up, Kevin, you miss Sean Connery but Sean Connery is an arsehole.

Evil: i shall make the wind power Kate Bush's zeppelin!!!

Evil: sorry but i have to turn you into a dog,

Benson: the Fraggle Rock dog, please.

Evil: i am the Ultimate Pincushion!!!

Supreme Being: now THIS is how God should be portrayed, as a stuffy Englishman quick to irritation.

Sunday joint: Snoop Dogg speaking in a British accent.

Sean Connery to Kevin: you're an orphan now, kid *wink*

Kevin: THAT'S the ending?!!! British firemen look weird.

Jesus: the most important people on a film set: carpenters.

George Harrison: i was really getting all my stuff done in the early '80s...

Terry Gilliam: don't worry, luv, i won't make you scream till your lungs give out 71 times.

Shelley Duvall: bless you. can you be my father?...

Lindy Lenz: Baltimore to San Francisco isn't far to me, we can be together, distance is no match for love.

me: unlike SOME people i know.

Jen R: hey, Baltimore to L.A. is FAR, dude. it wasn't my fault, my password went kaput...

me: the fantasy of hope.

Lindy Lenz: keeps you buoyed one more day.

me: the fantasy of climbing out of that hole and flying to the mountaintop.

Lindy: like that Alice In Chains song. you're a homeless man who needs a woman...

Melissa Maker: why'd you DM me your phone number? that was a power move, bud, you knew i'd never DM you back my number...

me: it's my cell number. get it? my monk-cell number...

Ear Horn: as a witch i know watches. those Casio calculator watches. no evil digital demons are getting by on my watch...

Florida Evans smashing the glass lace punchbowl: Damn Damn Damn.

JJ: don't do that, breaking glass is bad luck.

Florida: your father died BEFORE, THAT was the bad luck, my idiot son.

JJ: Dyn-O-Mite to death.

incontinence medicine: sleeping pills...

Sarah from YOLO: Crystal Fantasy: see i have a NORMAL body. it's a completely NORMAL body.

Rachel: i'm gonna eat you, Sarah, ONLY the second meaning...

competency porn: when the cumshot curves at a perfect 45-degree angle...

Suzy Lu: for my wedding feast i used the Final Fantasy Cookbook, not that Food Wars shite.

Steejo: is it normal to eat nothing on your wedding day?

Suzy Lu: that Capshule Corps time machine has been here for donkeys.

Dragon Ball Z Cell-season writers:  no, we ain't doing time-travel shit, writing time-travel stuff is too complicated, we'll lose the audience, way too confusing, the audience wants karate chops, nuke balls, and Bulma's panties. this ain't no Doctor Who...

Utada Hikaru: why does everyone have to have their OWN pic of the sakura on Instagram?...

Dirg: why are women constantly complaining on Instagram posting all their my-life-is-boring memes instead of DMing me for excitement?...

Hessian Hellcat Annie Adamson: it is COLD how everyone on Instagram has just forgotten that i ever existed...

cats: we have the best paw-swipe.

gum: you won't miss me...

Suzy Lu: i went to uni to learn to become a YouTube reactor...

Kochanski: i bring the melancholy to Red Dwarf...

Jen R: if it's meant to be you have to WAIT.

Capp: ...

Harriet Dart: she smells real bad.

Lois Boisson: i don't smell bad, i smell French. 

Dove: sorry, ladies, but Dove soap is now as expensive as LUSH...

dad: i wish you'd act more like Honeyetta on Instagram.

me: you know her?

dad: she does Instagram the right way. she uses it to find dates for herself. like her Instagram Stories are all of her videoing herself doing seductive Iranian bellydances before the Revolution and atting them to a professor of Iranian history before the Revolution in Canada to see if he likes her.