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THE BOY WHO NEVER TOOK OFF HIS BLUE BEANIE: A LOVESEAT FOR THE ROOM
 Jen R: PIVOT!!!me: my eardrums!!! you cleared out my earwax because it was nostalgia.Jen and i are in our two-man hostel at the very bottom floor of the Upper East Side.me: how'd we get this place so...
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LIVING FREE ON CAMPUS: THE NOISE OF LEARNING
 Jen R: and where have you been?me: smoking you out. putting your name in my Instagram profile to see if you'd come out of your hole.Jen: well i've been enriching myself. remember what i told you to...
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LIVING FREE ON CAMPUS: TWO GODS
 Dr. Robbins: is this the hall?Abbot Butt: i think so. i'm used to open hallways. the Hell? no idea.Dr. Robbins: my office is a room that's bigger than my house. Abbot Butt: this is not good,...
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LIVING FREE ON CAMPUS: I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW
  Jen R: if you want my time, you have to be my husband.me: woman THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO DO!!!Jen: trash hack. to save money on those tall kitchen garbage bags.me: which are very...
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OLD SUPERHEROES: FORKS IN THE BUTTER
 in the nursing home Superman, Wonder Woman, and Spider-Man live together in one room and are all 80 years old.Wonder Woman: why are there fork marks all in the butter in every-which-way crisscross...
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OLD SUPERHEROES: WAR RATIONS
 Superman: the enemy is in the attic. we must ration our food for the coming war.Spider-Man: good idea, Supes. what do you recommend?Superman: you know the Party Size of Salt N Vinegar Lay's chips...
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OLD SUPERHEROES: THE MOUSE IS BROWN
 Spider-Man: my Spider Sense is my brain.Superman: have we killed the enemy?!!!Wonder Woman: wait, it's a mouse...Weiland from Stone Temple Pilots: i'm still around. i chug motor oil at the "Papa Don't...
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TWO LOSERS TOGETHER: GENTLE LOST
  me: after the STRESS of always having to fuck her and make her cum, it's just nice to be with someone who's soft, gentle, nice, and easy.Thumbelina: easy to talk to. how exactly do you fuck...
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TWO LOSERS TOGETHER: JUMPING LINKS
 Thumbelina: i'm taking you to an authentic Colombian restaurant.me: we're doing this online, now THAT is a trick.Thumbelina: nice place, huh.me: is the inside real? don't tell me.Thumbelina: we start...
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TWO LOSERS TOGETHER: SYLUX
  Thumbelina: you hear that boom on the roof? Sylux lands on our roof with a thud.Sylux: omg there is no much JUNK on your roof!!!me: really? i don't notice such things.Sylux: yeah, man, tons of...
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MOTHER SAUCE: SWAN DOUGH
 Julia Child takes me to the pond, as she's been doing every afternoon for some time now.me: isn't this when your show is on?Julia Child: the PBS offices are hell at 11 AM. you gotta watch it here, the...
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MOTHER SAUCE: PASTIS
 me: SAY SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!Julia Child: you like my PBS kitchen?me: does it still have that window that looks out onto a Protestant farm?Julia: no that was in the 1880s. am i your huckleberry?me:...
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MOTHER SAUCE: ORANGE WATER
 we're back at the pond.Julia Child: look up at the sky. the sky is life's kitchen.i start to cry.me, blubbering: that cloud looks like Jen.Julia Child THWACKS me in the face with a ladle.Julia: in my...
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TEXTING WITH HUSBANDS: MY UNEXPECTED BEST FRIEND
 i was pebbling Annie Adamson as always when there was this shock of blue.Annie Adamson: this is not Annie Adamson. this is Annie Adamson's husband. Jaren.me: oh.........hello? what's going on? what's...
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TEXTING WITH HUSBANDS: GEFILTE GAEL
 Melissa Maker: I'M GONNA BE SINGLE FOR ONE WEEK!!!...me: i can't live life in the fast lane like that.Queensryche: ...Melissa Maker: hurry. before i get scooped up by Raine Maida. or i reconcile with...
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TEXTING WITH HUSBANDS: STRENGTHENING A MARRIAGE
 Jen R: i'd like to thank you.me: for what?Jen: my husband read your secret texts to me and thought i was having an affair. that really gave him an AHA MOMENT. he brutally realized his life would be...
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WOOLGATHER: DAD DREAM/WRANGLING A WRAITH
 me: i'm searching for my father.but there's no answer. i'm locked inside a strange room. luckily my gurubhai cracks the uncertainty.gurubhai: i'm not here to deliver you GrubHub. me: forget the...
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WOOLGATHER: THE ARCHITECT OF THE '80s
 me: i had a thought.dad: and?me: YOU were the '80s. the '80s were "magic" to me because of YOU. you made it all happen. made the gears of golden grace turn with your nostalgic grease. starting with...
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WOOLGATHER: BASEBALL IN THE SNOW
 me: so you're gonna enter more of my dreams in future?dad: i don't like how you treat mom.me: my life is on hold.dad: that's what happens sometimes in life. sudden unforeseen change of plans. control...
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ISOLATION HOTLINE: I'M HERE FOR YOU
 dad: i always thought you'd go into public speaking. you had that stentorian Shakespearean voice.me: nah, i was the actor in the bushes. the bush prop. i had a soft voice. soft Shakespeare.dad: why...
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