learned:
* America's Funniest Home Videos. funny strange, not funny ha-ha.
* slapping your butt is the universal sign for "my acid-washed jeans are starting to fade, i need a new pair."
* remember, Pee-wee Herman never did that thing. his middle name is Aloysius? do not name your next baby Kanye, name your next baby Aloysius. name your next cat Keanu.
* Saddam Hussein's favorite video game was Dig Dug.
* this guy is also not the father of Megan Fox's baby.
* imagine being Gandhi's cat...
* look, i like bacon, too, but you do realize that one day in the not-too-distant future there will be a reckoning for all we have done.
* when you think of milk, just picture Catwoman, not anyone else.
* catlovers, my people.
* VHS=Very Hedonistic System
* not even rabbits like radishes.
* that made me miss Night Court. remember Night Court? yeah, it was always some yellow rice, some Shake 'n Bake pretzel coating, and some Night Court for me most '80s nights after homework. i'd just eat the coating, not the meat.
* family reunion?
* the secret to a lasting marriage is thick spaghetti. get the spaghetti thick, none of that gross angelhair shit.
* remember when dads wore thin white New York Jets sweaters and thick mustaches?
* what's the difference between a church service and a lodge meeting? moose ears.
* remember, life, not death, is about sacrifice.
* looking back, Shrek was a bad idea.
* Flipper gets her name...
* so what are you guys' plans this weekend? mine is all set: Midnight Moonshine Burger. moonshine once landed you in jail, now it's on a burger. ain't life funny?
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happy weekend