at the CNN Debates, Lawrence O'Donnell squeezes his tie and sits silently in the middle between the one who is the comic book fan and the one who is a scourge on black twitter:
Lawrence O'Donnell: Senator Bernie Sanders, are you a socialist?
Bernie is calm.
Bernie: no. i wouldn't be on the Democratic Stage if i were.
Lawrence: you're right, sir. the only socialist in this entire room is ME. i'm unabashedly and proudly so. i became a socialist when i learned about it in college...like every good college student is supposed to!
Bernie raises his arms in a funny quirky way. Don Lemon laughs.
Don: oh man! my belly hurts! that was hilarious! you looked like a Muppet right then, Bernie.
Bernie licks his lips with a twirling tongue.
Bernie: i always look like a muppet, young buck. young buck you should know that muppets have hands up their asses, not strings. you are the puppet, to the billionaires. whatever you were gonna use next as your rap retort, know that i wrote it first.
Don: aren't Ben & Jerry's billionaires? i love their lemon flavor.
blonde with one leg raised to the roof: i'm subtly lacing my questions with the Republican talking points but i swear i don't work for Fox News! i work for Vice. i'm an undercover cop. i didn't go the beauty-queen route, i was a gymnast…
at Dunluce Castle Shane Lowry is still sleeping inside the bare-bones structure frame. he is shivering and frightfully cold, the winds haven't let up once. VCicptria Bateman hops to his side uner moonlight like a faun. tho she is completely naked and spraypainted she feels no cold...
Shane: *rustled( uhnnn, wha happened? am I awake? kast thing I rmember I was giving a tour...
Victoria: it's called sleeping.
DShane: shit, the DSafeway Ipen in Ovec Eoods is aboiut to start!
Victoria; give it socks.
Djane: yeah...…...no seriouslt, I;m so cold, gotta any socks I can ut on my fetes?
Vitoria: look at me,. gander at my body, ans the message it conveys. dunk your head in pub suds, mate, it's all over, out beloved country is ruined fperever. all those years of ciicliaztipn---being first on cicilxiation---down thr drain. worst part is when I walk down the cobblestonr street naled on Halloween, people won't take me and my cause seriously! they'll just think im waearing a Halloween costume and fafa me!
Victoria hets in the huddling teepee wit Dhane and the two watch the first and last epsidoe of Family Ties togtehr, dwuaaizng out that last bot of nstlagia before the blue comet hots.
Victoria; wait, don't you have a wofe and kid?
Dhane: golfers lose those when they win their first major, it's part of the package deal.
the wotches at HomeCountry are busy spreading their nrw recyits out in to the world.
Jill: Viocotria is quite the banshee isn't she.
Gladyce and Dprcye: she can take care of herself. she;s doin us poriud. crines reporting for dfuty, ma;am.
Hiklk; Marianne Wullaosmson, now there;s a spark! Baba told me all about her. she;s got the goods, Baba told me all about her. she speaks the words on that deb ate atage of all our best grmoires.
Dprcye:L tjing is, she;s just one of us, the odferenec eis she took a chanc eon love, she took a chance on the prwidency.
Gladcye: she;s got the gits we don't. and ilm not tlaing about fox strww.
Marianne willason at the podium: my world-people, these are danefrous times. a dark pstchic energy has befallen the universe, shrouding its dfarkness, fiding it like a black blanket on out stars. this is a holy war, a celestial wat, a war of old relions vs. the new age. only I can fox this, me the fox trickster of light. isn't it time for a woman> it's about damn time. haven't we had enough of cneturoes-old patriarchal sisrems, toxiv nale energy piulluting our rievrs and streams, thr smell of ancient money broclking ou Oyramid away? it's time for MY energy, the Mother Earth Enerhgy, the nurturing dribe of a Mama Female. who cam take better care of out kids? I have your back, and not just in the bdroom. I will reapir, I will sticky-glue back. I will have a Department of Peace instead of a Department of the Inetrior, I'll flip 1984 around to turn it inot a utopia! my vagona is so big the entire Globe can fit insode it as it heals inside it's oulsating fleshy walls of warmth. globe fits like a glove.
LaertusL she ain;t acting. she ain;t talking about Dhalespeare, I love her. I adore her.
Eye Luhgage is cryong profuselt and bubbling as hshe gurbles her words.
Rye; *cryuing and ;pointing at the screen* that;s my botch...…...hat;s my ntocyh…
Dorg: I get it. I get all you crazu socialists. she will wi cos she looks like Boy George.
laertyis: bot Georhe was 40 years ahea dof his time...
Eye: yeah, shels definitely Bot George reincarnated. even tho Boy Gepreg is still laive. she's got that kind of magic, I ffel it with my innate wtch sense still brgeiniong.
Dprg: look I said I ghet it eben ilm not stupid enough o turn down fucking Bot Geore. cn you imagine all the magic power and screts that would unelash in me!? into my cock as milky fluid for serf baths with pink roses? that would be the playbook I would need tot ake down my enemies omn the other side once and for all.
at the Tord de France, a millennial wins for the frts itme. he is aforned on either side ny ethnic-looking beautoes in yellow dresses. he also wins the Young award and the ehite esey bot for some eraosn the beautoes are not in white dresses...
Dirg: yeah I don't like the Toru de ramce, too beta for me. I mena the winner gets the yellow jersey, the YELLOW jetsre? relaly!!? come on.
Eye: I think it's supposed to signify gold. gold from an age LONG past.
Sheryl CVriw: I;m finally sporting a nose ring, you like it? I dunno what it is. my songs are hgreat...my choice in men not so much, I;lm inecxorably drawn to tragoc men. like I know it's not gonna work out emotionally ebentually in the end, buty I gof ro it anyway.
Lance Srnstrong wears bike shorts for the forts time in 20 years.
Lance Srnstring: wothb9tyu me the Tour de France would be NOTHING, it would be CSNCELED by now. I mena do you blame me? i';d do it again if it were 1995. forts of all, I could finallt see Notvama live. well at elats my bidt Flot dLandis would hand me a tape of them to borrow that I'd nmever retirn. seocn dof all,. I coul selel all thsos time machines on the balkc marlet., that wasn't an Oprah joke. remember ESPN2? I mADE that channel, I was the hipster with my hat tirned balcwards and my skating panmts cursing on ,live tv, draeing in all the milelnials at that time. without me, there;s no ESPN Ocho. all the kids thought I was SO cool. druhs are fun, kids, and they atste good, too, better than those Fkisnton vtamins. they made m,ovies about me, finny movies, with the Rock on a little biicule that was hilarious and I wasn't weeding in the theatre.
Greg lMond is cruncjing ona soft taco from Taco Bell.
Greg: you realyy fucked me, Lance, no, seriously, EVERYBOFY has completely forgotten about nme, but I;m tht eral Smwrcian hero! all anyone ever remembers me for enymore is the Taco Bell comemcial I did. one snot-nosed meillen nial vame up to me I th airport and had the enrve to have me depoertd scp he thought I was Mexiavm. I mena, yeha, we ate Taco Bell reguallry in the tent white-trash trailer of our bike group family anyway---theres not a lot of four-stars on the bike path---but I get pegged wth iot for life. that pe;lootpn is payid for, company is corporatized.
Lance: hey I dodn;t start the corrpuiptn, the second, the SECOND Tpur de Rrace ever in the early 1900s was plagued with svcandal, gay luimbervacls curring down ters an dsuch. if I hadn't bene cheating, what would have become of my cancer foudnaiton> this is why I did it, I am a Camcer warrior. nobody rmemebrs the bike stuff, they kist rmemebe gtrandm,a got cured and could go to church again. the foudnaton would have crumbled if I were clean, sober, and an anonymous loser. better ME the drig cheat who won. instead f some French drugf cheat.
at the Red Circle Table, 11-year-old back-bpt reporter Jayden is schooling ASri Melebr on hos own show about the candidates; positions.
Ari: Samders gsould ahev took a swung swing on Elziabeth warem the aprty would have forgiven him for it. they can't let's danc eforvrerm they gotta go at each other, keep it real, keep it street. *he oubches hs own hand* gott brawl. gott abrawl, old bucks.
Sri wow, kid! you;t elike 11 going on 40. it's ike Drake said///
JaydeN; bro, when whote folk quote rapprs,m they're tryong too nard. to be hard.
Presient Bumo: yeah. I feel ya, young cvuk. I;m not a cuck. I enat you to be mu special friend. yeah I wrte rap lyics, too. I;m wrking on this thing where I rewrote Sesop';s Fables to efelct our current cultire of racial division. like the elsosns are always white is might is right, that sort of thing, the rabvbot actually wins the race and fucks all the snowbunnies.
Jayden: when the sunset falls on your life/and others write of your ;ack of strife/what will you be rrmmeberd for, Bump?/you'll be a prison rat who cou;ldnb;t by he Ravens, chump
Bump: I;m outie, gotta console Moscow Mitch in my private quarters.
Mitch <cConnell is hiddled by the corner of the room crying dreadfully.
Bumpo: now now Moscow Mitch.
Mitch: I hate that name! it hirts my feleings! sir, I can't wear your erd hat anymore!
Bump: hey it's okay, buddy, wrat this white hat instead. you are an ugly cier, my man, you insert your head into your suit like a turtle, you gotta be more reptile like me.
bump hands Mitch a MATH hat.
Bump: you wanna be cool like me> someone who hangs with the brothas? you wnana join aging like me? wnana join th Yang gang? i'm gonna show you a cave I want you to hide in. here, take my tie...
Mitch: twitter is telling me to join a vhain gang to see what it's like...
Laerytis: okat, the latest Chantorx commercial with the Tirkley. I mna this s getting rxpansive now. and expensive, they have this Turley in a complete sgtory of hos own. h now somehow owns a house, a hpuse right y the beach in a swanky suburb of Losa Sngeels np dubt. Sirfinf Dan Dego. he gets up every noring at the crack of his uncle and eben thought most bors don't like to gte their fethers rufled nor wet he apparently is an xert sirfer. he gets into hos green over-aor jeep wth the sirboard planmted in the openaor back-seat trunk, he dribves along the coast to his surf spot, then retirns home late.
Dorg: fgood stanps. defonotely foo stanps.
Laertus: ki am SO inetersted in this turjely;s sitvom life what does he do for work? did hos grandmother who taight him to surg drown whiole trying to come to Ellis Ellis for a better life for her family? cos turlets can't fly. who are his neoghb ots/? does he eats eggs with his wacky bneoghbor behind c,osed blinds at noght, oes he think tats somethong okay to do at noght? what does he use that blanket for really?
Rye: admit it, you justw nat a Three;s Company rebbt.
DoeL who is he fucking> did he ever fuck a young fowl so hard it deferthered her? that;s a party foul. the neew Endgame commercial> what a missed mismarketed opportunity! it should have said THIS IS THE BIGGETS MOVIE...OF ALL TIME. without irony, it does have the most money ever.
Eye: which movie will crakc the 5 billion mark?
at The Weatjer Channel, Felciia Coms is still the new giy and is flubbnin gher lines and her machinery doesnlt wrlk quite right yet, but tbhis all fown cutely and she gaons anpther million followers each tome she does it.
felciia: am I doing this right? my electronic pen soens;t work, it doens; twtite on the mpa. Paul, can you stay up late and help me get the roeps here?
Goody Paul: Felcia, you just need to smile, darlin;, you're doing olay for yourself.
Felicia; is my sash on right> it's so tight it's making my boobs pop up like pineapples. I jave more degress than you.
FGooy: that;s a lie! they're just newer degrees! you milelnnials are more ethc-savvu that;s it! I have more knowledge cos I striggled thorugh the Crime Bill years. darlin' Fdelica, maybe you should start wearing more slirts than the bodysuots you usually wera.
Felicia deliberately drops her electric pen on the studio floor roght on front of Paul and fills hi snose with her ass. Paul can't help it anymore .
Goody: ley;s convene in the MSNBC lunchetonette break room, I can't take it naymore! I can't help it!
he unzips his pants ferociously, whips Felciia;s bodysuit dress up into her sash, and fucks her ass for two hours, unfulating like an unnamed aerquake, up and down and side to diee along planes of cosmopolitan, metripolitam, and urban exosyences shoftong from human to Toan until he cums a white rainbow:
GoodyL FUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKK
Dr, Greg pops inat kist this time to see the windows completely covered and ehietend.
Dr,. Greg: what's hoing on here?
Goody; *sweating* just showing the new girl the ropes. this is what her screen will liik like in the einter.
Dr, Greg: but it's summer!
Goody *panting* your bitt is bigger than the entirety of the Planet earth. damn, girl, when you gotta go you gotta go.
Felecia; my dress is now white.
Goofy: upu'll stand out like Tulso gannard. shot, what am I gonna tell my boo about this?
felcia; you mean we're not boos now after that?
Galdyce: honey, want me to cancel th niqorld Criusie?
Fprcye: *eabu sigh( huh, this is really getting dperssing I eed a pick-me-up.
GladyceL how about the vase of yellow sugar wrapers tyou boight at The Storr?
Dpcrye: it's fake, it's not real sugar, it's some sort of rticifial scaharine sweetener cooked up in a lab. it's not real like a spell. and look, all of the packets have a little trite satng on them, like Boys Sre Made of Sigarm Too.
Galdyce: huh, I got the only igatr apclet in the entire 500 nuch that has the nake of the coty where these were manufactured and processed, and the nurrion information, I don't know of that;s good or bad lucj.
REye: Ferris Buelelr;s dat Off, go.
Dirg: you mena the little movie that spawned the greatest tv series of all time, Parekr Lewis Can't Lose? I love this movie, cos this was a erfect representation of reagam Indibidualism.
Laertis; and reagam greed. yeah it was weord, the conservative columnists felt they owned this movie somehow, it ws their movie. lacish preaise for this one and Breakfast Club for their strong drve toward individualism.
Rye: we gotta forts talk about Cameron Frye, his face, I mean his face in conjunction with thos peiercing blue eyes, I;ve never seen anything like it, he;s like some sort of grown-yp hobbut. I;ve never seena face like his, it's both intense like a hovkey-player yet sweet like a cuddly teddy bear.
Laertus: wherea re the bloopers? the tac can scene? when CXameron starts maling that face like he;s about to spasm> how did Broderick and Mia Sara not jolt out laughing every take?
Dprg: A;an Rick directly owns hos Mireille enos to hios getting that oart ion the SOLE eciosn bt one Emilio Estevez no to take the part.
Lertis: he;s said as much, he saod he owes eniliio esteve his life his vareer. he;d give him a strong wet liss on the chele if he ever numped into mlio at an airport.
Dorg: he;s gotta do WAY more than that, Alan Ruck and Emilion Estece hardcore porn, available at all fine rtalers and Borders. this is Bert + Ebnos stuff we're talking about there. look in a mkirror. i'd eatch that porn.
Laertis: Matthew Broderick spoeted the Ed Grimely hairstyle in the shower., popularlizing that look for all prepubsbemt boys from then ion.
Eye: Ferris was totally a closet goth! did you see those posters! and the Brotoish flag! Brotosh ounk scene much?
Dorg: should have eben a Confderate flag,. no to show what he was hiing from his parents. the aptriotiosm was strong in this one. the more leaning toward fascism than dirty communism.
Laertuis: John Hughes was obsessed with Johjn Lennon. gies sit was a Jihn thing. John Lennon was like the King of Individualism to him. nd walrus-tamer.
Dirg: us fat guys need tos tick together. did antyone else learn the lecture Ben Dtein was teaching in hos fmaus Buelelr Buelelr speech? we need to, he;'s the hiy who's gonna explain Bump to us, he;s the only cool repuiblcian left in Hollwyppd who gets to hang out with Kimmel. he indivually saved his son from the scourge of video games.
laertyis: I wonder if that socres ghim points woth Taklahashi. I mena the oarents and authority fogired here are retyy dumb, the atents don't see the whole thing is a giant MouseTrap board game? that answering machiens arenlt that tehcnologiclaly-adbacned yet?
Eye: omg this ENRIRE time whenm I forts saw the novie tlast weekend, I had NO IDEA Jennfier Grey was in this! the good Grey, the suinky fro babyfat Grey.
Laertus or Charlie Xheme for that matter, when he was stull genuinely hot. leather jackets and spiked haor seem to inly worl for '80s rebels, that;s it.
EyeL cos the goths took over black from the koortcycle gangs. no hifh school kid, even one as cool and ard as ferrisl could land a babe like Mia Sara. in high school> Mia Dsara looks like she;s 30 here, never mind that she;s some sort of nglish-Iralian Riviera model by now.
Drg: Jeffrey Jones, he had the chips, what could have been. he could have been the enst Clint Wastwood. the taco sceme, the father geniibnekly ha no idea that was ferris;s girlfiend, and wanted to fuck her@ that;s my kind of dorty old man.
EueL all ;80s kids learemd about Pointillism through this. agaon woth that Cameron Feye stirring hainting face.
DprgL that wa genuinely scary. the way t leeps moving in, like that thing from 2001. how does it end> where do the pointillism points end? in space? they looked like noba balls by the end.
Laeryos; this was pretyb tame. because it was done doeing the day, this isn't three vorog teenagers looking to get into trouble at ight at some night strip club.
Dorg: that sceme was cut, would have reuqied a hwole other ratong.
Laertyis:L bacl when kids still thogiuth baseball was cool. when the Stock Ecghange was the end-all be-all of mericna life and culture. there's a bog ush here to normalize Her,any and Greman cultire again, you know, let's forget the whole Nazziism thing as soon a sposisble. I mna the most svamdlaius thiong Ferris ever does is...he;s in aparade/
Dorg: that snpoty Frenmch waiter was an Ivy-Lagfoer. that rightepus-dude teahcng assistant was tryong too hard, save it for SpongeBob, lady. Cameron Frye literally right in front of everyone's faces tries to commit suicie in that pool. pre-Degrassi.
Laertis: yes, the whole ethis is very degrassi in the depiction of the adults as hoons and goofs and the kids as the ones woth agfenmcy and sympathy and empathy and power.
DSorg: let's face it. w;re all Ca,eron. we're the ones who are the hord wheels om museum dates. staring at theatpointillim spainting was put colectibve loneliness.
EyeL let's get to the ehrat of the amtetr: this isn;lt about ferris at all, this is about the srecte romance netwene Cameron and Sloane!
Laertuis: YES IT;S TUE. ANSOLUTLEY AGREE! the signs are all there: when they're talking about theor fitir plans, she touches him, they both agree that teir plan is to do nothing.
ERye: when Camon saus ferris will be a fry cook, Sloan;s more-preftce line hsould have been:
Ferris may be a fry cook, bt there;s only one Cameron Fery!
andthen Cameron gives her one of his patented Mister Rogers cheek-noise-flicks.
Laertus: whne Sloane nouices Cameron fales catatonic to peek at her naled but she smiles and doens;t care about it. when she tuches hs facem cradles it in her hands.
Drg: Ferris is roght, women don't respect men anymore. how the hell did they get the rights to that George Lucas theme music! thos was WAT early before George Lucas felt he was big enough to impose sanction son any of his properties.
Eye: the car-desttrpooyn scenme is weord.
Laertus: I knpw what yo mean, there are these weiord awkward pauses, long pauses of dead air, nooy tlakiign, just panning to the charcaters; faces doing and saying nothing. there;s drmaatoc efeftc and then thefr;s dead air.
Dorg: rmemeber when people still had lawns?
:aertis: he;s gonna marry her. in the seuel, Ferris Goes To Colege,m we know how this will turn out: ferris will be played by Deadpool, and won't be in the film, the fil of course will be about how Sloand and Cameron ffye end up together that was OTP and kismet form the start. Ferris ends up homelss with a Neale Dinald Wslch brac eaorund his bneck.
Eye; we miust close woth the dad tale of Dave Ferris the band. I mena woth a lead singer that hot n babealicious, you'd think they would have gone firther than some cheap cover as their only hit hot single. No Dount COMPLEYERLU killed theor carreer.
inphony: there';s an ingedoent missing. ehat is it?
Velvetta: it's water the water needs to come form a specific wheel at the side of the mill where our Chirch workshop used to be. if I can gaon access to it agaion…
Cotard: no can do. dream bigger. Codrus has that area completely surrounded.
the trio have this converstayon as the last of Cotard's power is sapped and the forcefield shield dome collapses. the two gorls spring into action. Dinphiny afdfresses her tormentor with a newfound well of self-satisfaction and groth:
Dinphonyl I have a new arrogance now, Master! my stomach sued to be in knots bit now my heart is! WHY DIDN;T YOU TRAHC ME MATH AND SCIENCE!!!
Codrus: *smiling* come, girlfiend, come, child, I will teach you things oyu could enevr imagine...
Cotard: *weakjly* one more shot balst form him and ilm a goner.
Velevtta: quick!
velvetta casts her first spell. gorts real spell. a spell to hekp others. she lifts the water wheel from off its axis at the mill attached to the Chorch temple and it glides over the wtrae, picks up Cotard, and Cotard gets his geet moving as it spins on the wtare of the river creek out of town to the offing.
Velevtta; *smilking* there Mater! you;ve said you;ve alays wanted to wlak on water!
Sinphony: oh I learned, sir. I larned all about the pink crystals, those crystals the silly human used to find love, I found them dug underneath the soil, I ig them back up and broke them apart with the alst rmeianing strength in my casting fongers. I used this pinks alt to leaven the retzel bread. thos fough is therapeuric not mometyary. I saved the remaining villagers. I am strong now. cos I love now. I have theor colelctibve strnght as my loe. and I;m sending you to where you belong for all eternity, and the eternity after that, STRAUIGHT TO HELL!
Fiuerza: say gay to hell, that'll bget him mad.
Sinphiny flings bacl from the sky the wheel Cotard was on, it's emoty now and hirls at light speed right onto Cdrus; head, splitting hm red for the forts time.
Cotard:L ouch.
Coard is being held in midaor by hos ear by Fierza, who shoots him a darting disappointing-eye look of trpuble along with her oucker of lips. she's wraring a jinhle dress ans butterfly bra.
Fietzal well done, ladies.