Pat: so how's this gonna work?...
Galivant: you;ll see...
Pat and Galivant are traveling...around the world...tohetehr...forever...but they gotta pitstop for gas-siphon snacks and salcantion. sp eventua;l;ly they make a trun at a very nice artstic silver cherub with his privates sadned off and a Hot Tanale palce din its stead. it;s a very nice spit foutnain. and cobbelstone village with hay for roofs. and they seem to have seetled somewhere in the UK...well it looks like nglsih ciutnrsode anyway...
Pat: i wnat a ;70s cram sweater eith a red-blue-and-brown racing stiupe. i wnat tod rink blessed raons. if you wuint the Toto "Afroca" music coeso looks and soudns like Blue Oyuater cylt. and through a time cmachine Martha Jones fro Dcotot Eho is in this video...
they are listening to "The Walker" by Fitz and the Tantrims onm tje dahboard of theor car as they make the tirn after the turn into the school slash goft shoppe...
the forst person they see st the gost shoope is, ironically, Celine...
Celine: *brpwsing around( hey, i diodn;t do that Wldy Allen pros film, okay?...
Dprg: that trelegy gilf thi
Tyzik: isn;t ti a l.ittle early?
Fpeg: donm;t need to see Felabag like everypne keeps badegrong me to see, i got the Yrelegy flea-arlet gilf!
Bpc: MY GRASS-LAWN TEBNNIS SCOURTS ARE ALL DEAD! don;t matetr how much you atre drt! my dad Ryan Seacrest bought me new botos. but i havebn;t use dthem yet cos utls the raint season...
Tyan Deacrest alone at the casino: iy;s a compleye luck-of-the-draw whetehr or not you get abusive arebnts or not...
Bella Poarch joins thr Orchid Girls aa the inhouse tattoo rtsot, sh tats the girls up on her porch...
Cazzie davis is gound in a cave-sosed ditch, she is soduns all the way down lyiong down at the cebter od the Earthj;s full core...
Pete Davidson: what are you doing in this chasm> this Cazzie Cgasm?
Cazzei finishing yp my book. the quiet down here helps me wrote...
Cecily Dtrong: i;ll be playing renevva Lissner got a Lifetine tv[,pvie up her ein Canada...ilm away this Thansklgiving bot my ehart is fukk bit emoty...it would have eben imsoosbkle for me to cintunit oivng thios way of Bumo had won four mor years...tat;s why ilm in Canada...
Madame Pons: Mardoth! what are you dong!?
Mardoth: ilm inhaling vapot, not pot smoke! for my sinuses...
PnsL silly firl, gheres;a LUSH soap for that. most oinegnt scent in the world. hy does the vapiot tun look like a bong?...
<ardpthL a life coach is not a psychoartrost...
Pons: i;pm late@ i;, late! for a vet important date...
as Pons and Talajhp keep datong, al at the tea shoppe garden,
Ralajaso: i want to impres son her she ahs the talent to e rbw vrgios;s pptgrpaher. look, here she comes...
Talajashi; i;ve seen yori work, it;s ood! i;lm not jists atoyng that/ look at the coevr aet and liner-notes aet of theos album. a combiantion og B&W pf the abvand and pscvthedleci xrippings.
Pons: yeah i don;t know, do i bit souble,albums anymore? kist for the artworl inside the booklet?
Talashai: sure! use it as a gode, and het nardoth to be yout miose of the brushm she can join out grpup as you rapinetr!
Mardpth: it;s my worst noghtmare, mui soul mate oisst efetday for three eyars ion Instagram. bot i never DM him,. the one day josa cccount meber posts agaon, oy kist stays there, sits there, nevr moving, neern bojnkign...kist staring at me...just mockin g me...cos i know hes left and and is eber coming back...
Mardoth: my boo is tkaing some time away fro mem to do some self-sciscovery...
Rue Lugagge:L girl you eman to tell me your;e ASCTIUALLY datong Dorg!!!>
Mardoth: i oicked him out...
PonsL ylu dnlt lkike him, ou;v ejust become comfotatble wioth him...
Michael EWross still has the speedo on...but it;s udner his soarjkly rewcyclable-denim heans...
Michael Ersiis in a moratyrbaord: Indtagram;s one bof bibe,,,one bf mood shot...btw once you fins soneone ate are taenm your Instagram becomes boring...
all isntag, channels evebntually ebcome trtong to simulate .8s MTV...
all i do on Instagram now is wosh coupels well...
Doryce: i mena why we gotta spend Thanlsgiving in Dtarbicks!?
Galsycel i bless you with a spell to help rmnd eoyu we;r ebelssed to be tohethr. r,e,ebr? The Treehouse is being fumigated...of the epst lnown as Dorg...
FgprcyeL do they serve aohetti here? i nened a bog strong am y crack the saghetti for me...
Glayce; well ilm glad DiGiorno finally listeend to peole and took out the sleeve for the stromboli, i;s softer when it;s mkicrowaved now...
Foryucel i mena The Store is so massive an bog=bpx now just IMSGONE all the foos posionin g that goes on woth theor products no how can the litle guy win a foo=soiisoning lawsuiy against them just by taking off the shelvs a seemingly-suspiicousless lgas can of soup woth a little els sliquid?...
Tyzik: wha! Jake from Datte Fram is hacked!!! look at tbsoe rippling biceps!!!...
Talahashi: why do all the Hollywod babrs wdea hat balck mask that nakes then kij ike Mileena from Mortal pombat?...
Nikki Rowe fpinf the prchid girls agaon after hetting agttetd=up on her inside arm inhouse...
Laeryus; [eope are cofnizant now...
the crew and cast see a Christams production of Swan Lake perfpemed in 27 qiarantine bathtubs on the vdideo menu screen above all the coffee pots:
LartsopL Maria Takllchief, oit forst prima balelrina. the way Semroca SHOULD have ebenm from the start. with gobe-Smerocan Indians brnf a; the limkanres in thos scoety...
DoryceL: mocha-flabpted coffee? it;s not gonna taste lilke i wnat ot to taste...
Glayce: dera it;s thw Chrpstams season, the ebst seaosn for woitches, i;s time to yle a steo back, sotp comllaining, and recekct on our belssings. graotoude...
Doryce: i;d take grinditude...
Gkoayce: thnk about it, think how comfortable tou feel at the Obec Wakgreens,,,cos we;re gone, we;re near home. nw imagine that same our Wakgreens bit it;ls a fpreogh strange land cos iut;s 50 iles away fro hoe cos we live in Slainas...
Doryce: WE LIE IN SALINAS!!!!? THE HEXIOUS HORROR!!!
Dr, vacc looks at hs watchm, apendulum swings in the clicjface...
FpryceL it;s like one od hose gut0check cold-as=fuck Teavana dronks whoch coomslyu stomach on con act. freezes your esphoagis...
Gkayce: the et here;s so sgtring i cna smell it even woth my amsk on...
Pons; tjhta;s nothing,. yhe soaps at LIDH are sp stonbg i can snell them a ile aay from myu store......oth my mask on!...
Pons: i use a little bot of the essential-oil dripings to fill my snelly nightlighgt at night,,,
Felicia Coms wearing cranberry-colore dlipsticl for the donenr season: thanls, J Lo...
Jennfoer Lopz pf The Eerather Channel: fpn;t fuck me...
Jim Vantpoe: not ssyon jus sayin, the Eurpeian model is AJWAYS robng...it;s just alays off...
Teuila Blakely: see? it was a nice twist nm the oldadort bdy swap: Steel eanyed to be imn for so long so this os how they do it. the onlt yhing o would hjave added is XZoey ficlking the robot in Natels body tp get more furries on voard so we nake more lkney!!! i hte y jb!!!
Dprgl i eman why do the denocrats conanly want men in skirts...
RosyL yes, it as i, i of cousre osijed them ionto doing a musical...
Teuila: yoiu cna also use whip craem for sex...
Rye ugageL will that coe etch next to you Teuikla whi akwayts wears black ever get her own story?...
CitardL i miss my black woman frioend...
Rangers: clever manming of Honnold Peak...
XoeyL i begged them bo mor ejeans.........o i gotta weear supertight lycra yoga oanys now!...
Dorg:L forst offf, jad no diea Zoey had a brpther. if i were Mikle i wouldnt have forgiven Xkeym i wou;ld ahve dosoened my own sister, fucls that ntoch for fucking my gossil...
Boc: i ornre noots, heavy=dtuya mry boots, ui FEEL it now, wgen i swocth from my boots to my loafers, u;m light in there. when i atatck those grass alwns i feel i;m an aonavading amry, the eret poolcie ,kaing my neoghb os in the moring, shottong my hose on riot gear. the land is so arched uit kiterally jockjs uo looike like a saloon soit at forst touch of wet...
GotceL you;d think you;ld be comfortable nwlaking aroudnthe Treehoaue doinf chores inb socks, bot youtlr actyuakly nmore confortavle in shoes...
Gayce: when i take mju 2 Vanuish a datm i cnba do anything, i fele invincible. braver, i cimemnrt thign son Instagram i wouldn;t otherose comment...
TalahshaiL whe you sau a oice of atrt is :too piitcal: now, it kist doebslr have the same sting yo i anynmore, the same bite...
Takagashi: hey Dorg, instad of cooking a while Thanlsgicing turkey feats,m kosy get a tiurkeyt-cranbverry.stpffiung Dutch crinch sansowch at The Store...
Madme Pons sneaks out the bacldoor of rarbicks ans the bacldoot of LISh to go to her oxydome appoiinment...
<afrtiosL they ued to make all tv shows in new Yprkl CVity...
Doprgl hgorls who wrar thor iphones vosoble on gthelor butt-pockey ate sgiwvasing to the world thag theu kbow they;re hor...
Talashai: thenm donlt eb jealous! bot hem a case...
DtuiL Snerica is gonna he tjwyta it needs, taherh than what it wnats...
lrtisL i eman even Katk Voorhies is coming bacl! Kark! of Lark comes back, Fston Daons has no exgsie@ e;ve all been the pron guy. it;s ni big. mu dad was taoght hofh-school Dapnish bi Fston Fiamind; uncle...
talahshai quietly donates hos 1974 AMC Gremlin at the purodoro movie theatre for money for Cghrostams gofts...
Laerys; this car IS the '70s!!!
Dorg: save the 8-track! BLM Froday thos eyar?...
Prwoent Bunm sues the amry to break into Phil Collins's mansion and kodnap hos wofe...
Phil Collins: the thing si the dler and balder we botnh get, the nore ams more i look like Peter Gabriel...
Talahshi: how cna there NOT be a Panera in Berjeely!!!?...
Gordfpm ramsay: sorry but pictries of foo on Instagram are boting...
Talahsahi: i coulda been so kuch smarter of io ja deaten foish through mu childhood...nit i eebr liked fosh...
Dprg: fpsh taco, man! the foos of real men eeal women wnat...
Dprg: i feel honiest oj yhe monings...irge too storng, gotta cum...i need to get nrw boxer shorts...
Eue LuggageL what were e tlaing about again?...
Pat: that was another lifetitme ago...
Eye: Eraserhead and go,,,
Laeryus: Jack nance,. the Jigheahd hair. the MC Hamm hapr. teh Vanilla Ice hapr,. the haor i imagon when i;, looking to cast Killbot Powerhead...
Eye: JACK ANNCE WAS IN MY SO -CALLED LIFE!!! everyone forgot about that! just ANTHER erason to fgo back and watch MySo Called Life!!!...
Laeryus; i;ll be honest, at fost this film was what it was bileld as, a midnight eftaire, didnlt see anything aprtucualrly special abkiut it, in fact the frst wiarters of it are bring, Q1 and Q2 not brongong ovodends...
Forg; vertainly nothing special enought fr it to be ensjroend by Vngress!!! enacsed in a galss case like Vanilla ky! look, lket;s call it out for what it is, the onlt hting worthy in thso is that song about Heavem by that broad who looks like Mr, Limpet! cheks like if Laertiosw as casting for Sandy Cheeks...
RyeL do this tnight when you smell yoru jightlight: watch thsi film with the puctire off, the sight off, just LISTEN to this film...the nosies of fg, the indutrial sounds, the baclground music of its soundtrack...
Gorofn Ransay: this is where idnksityal music came from..the stelel mills of rbgland...
Doegl must be nice to have an ENTORE liebral college backing you as you make your forst efatore? dont hav to worry about funding, jist continur soeradong socialisk though the world and you;ll be a big star!
Laeryis Dorg. watch thios film again, david Lynch is tretong to tell you soemthign subiminally, tirn the vlume up n your ears, tale the tinfoil out, he;s telling you:
Favod ucnhL Dirg, don;t procrrate. nlt have children...
Laetys; scary, hhu? rasing children that is...
Eye: bit this is all sweet, this film is a trinute to Lynchls daughter;s borth dfeents and deformities. the stibebd hands and feet of the alien baby, like a tyely showcasing its legnoebns, if that ianlt Thanlsgiving i don;t know what is!
Dorg: Kynhc;s daghetr wrote and directed Boxing Helena.........OH! NOW ot all makes snese now!
laerys; i mena the fmaily stows the comatose rganma away in hr own corner of the icthen, making sire she has a smoke to ease her toribles. see they don;t just sjot ehr away at a n rosing home, they spend tome toheteher as a family, THAT;s what tahnslgiving is all about!!!
Dpg: it;s like bad Dinmpsons, bad Beverky Hllillies...
Dogl and that whore imn the aoarnemt across the hall...
Eyue um, being hot doenslt make youa whore...
Mardith: too much sauce onlt appies to spaghetti...
Laetuus: that sex scene tho. iy;s so......weird and msurirous and mysitcal...thjey;re like two naled manneuqins in a gogantoc cip of boiling tea...
Dorg; thee;s too uch soke and steam in this film anyway...
Rye: this is basivally an extneded eoisode of The Twilight Xone, how do i know. the radoator. the bulky Joy dciisons-lines steel-mill radiator in the cold small aparhment is the bog goveaway...
Laerys; what wa that. when Jac Nance plops a pebbel into the small thing of water. like a sohn tabk or cup or tea, what what gthat all about?...
Lerytus you know i fotst thoguht thsi film was gonna be about, like, the Cold Wra or soemthing, soemthing abiut that haor spoke electiocoty exoeriments woth nuclear energy to me. i as genmjuinke yhsook when ot ends up being acout niubsm actual pencul erasers, the buns at the nds of bneoge school pencils...
Eye: bit it;s still a factory, babe. roght> it;s still a afctory...
org: Catholic nun penculs. you know wy they ketp the complicatd porp pf the alien baby sectet? cos if Rod Serloing foun out he;d tell the issoans who svared the alien off lutnik, Rof eoul Tell ogpurney Eraver who would tlel ehr autopsist who tells the Sapce Baby to shrnk its head who would tell a struggling young Dteven Spielebrh tryong to come up with an idea to gte out of film school...
Dorgl waitm the <Man In The Plamey is suosoed to be ayul Bunyam, right?
Rinokon: n, John Henty.
Dorg: that other was ain;t right. novody says the word secual inetrclourse anymore. watever mahcinist job oyut main everyman Henry Specner does it;s gott abe etetr than filling buklelts. wjatver Yhalsgiving turley you;e planning on having it;s gott ab ebetee than the blood bord. see i bet the pregnant girl had crvings for skinless pickles, that was your prblem roght there.
Mary X: i;m going bacl to mother!
Henry Doenbcer: you mean the other woman?
Talahjshai: lobve the anime names...
Dirg: that street-utchin bot is straoght out of JoJo';s Bizaare Les Mis. i mena can Specner be surpised that he gor dumped? no girl likes the babage of a man woth a ababy. Henry takes the scissots, cuts the sleeves off the baby;s hoodie,. an he cheats hos way to Super Bowls and the Persodency! and suddnelt this beocmes the endong of The Turin Hirse. please tell me the iconic shook0face sceme has a forwork of eraser shavings. pleas etell me that;s at least salt bae and not dried cum...
Dorg: look, the synbolism in this is simple, not comlkicated: Henry DSpencer, the spermatozoon creature comes out of henry;s mouth. sperm cumming out of Henry;s mouth...g;noght, folks...
at the ounfatin:
PatL what is thos> where are we? all i see aorund me in a circle are brpwn cows, brock schoolrooms nuched tobgteehr in one farmhouse. and turets,. and Rachel Maddow,
racel Maddow: hello all. as oyu cna see ilm werarong a The Smiths turtleshell helmet. we;re bracssong the show to you onight from my idnergrojdn bunler at Grey Gradens...
Galivant: frst, dunk yoiur ehad in the atre of thsio fountain...
Pat done.
Galivant: yout;e syartiong life oevr. from college :graudate: to college stident to schoolbot to bot to toddler to infant wraepd ins waddling alien clothes. you;re the alien, you'te gonna live a nraf nrew live in a dogfefreent place startong from Q0, Age 1. to see. we;ll skip, we;ll fasforaward the non-cp,mmuncative forst[-fovepyears and get you into grade-school sgtat,. i;ll keep a; your forst-fove-years dreams for myself in my poicket. what would it have beem like ifyou had grown up in Rnbgland intead of Smerica? we'reabout to fin out. Pat, you are now a LAD...